The Desert Colossus

This was a review my sister found at Computerandvideo.com
This was a game she wants, and she looked the release date on Google, and got a link to that horrific review. Still, she wants that game.

ZV's sister:

Quote"They're very cute, and its made after like the dog company and umm.... I-I... (sigh). HAHAHAHAHA. HEHEHEHEHEH.. AALLEX STOOPP!! -STOPP!! DON'T PUT THAT ON THERE. (sigh) Whatever, do what you want........... okay ummm.... It does seem like the game can get long... B-but I'm still not sure when the game comes out. Its already about in Japan, Its- I know that. And ummm... They're saying that it comes out in September other people say it comes out in January, like thats already passed. And other people say its gonna come out in may but thats already passed too. The one that I believe is September. "

I pretty much told her I was gonna quote, her, but she didn't really listen. Go figure. Anyways, heres the review:

QuoteJapan Import: We've only just come back from the toilet, having spent 20 minutes powerfully vomiting the full contents of our stomachs in an explosive, cute-saturated jet of puke, which has totally drenched the walls in the most adorable, big-nosed puppy fat prettiness the ladies' loos have ever seen. Let's wipe away that last hanging bit of sick from our mouths, and commence the review before the nausea returns.

Whether it pushed you over the edge of vomitus or not, there's no denying that the game and concept artwork is exactly that sort of adorable - the sort that will immediately sucker in all the same people who, say, still feel the need to check up on their Nintendog every now and again. Similarly, the sort of people who gleefully deleted their ex-girlfriend's Nintendog post-breakup will no doubt have been immediately repulsed by the idea - it's that sort of big-eyed, lash-fluttering, innocent-acting, emotionally manipulative 'cute'.

Advertisement:
Look me straight in the eye
Thing is, the game has been met with lots of "So it's like Nintendogs but more so, yeah?" comments, whereas actually it feels more like a preschool introduction to a Zelda-esque RPG - albeit one that replaces quality puzzles and intelligent gameplay with fruit collecting and crap fishing. The game is indeed plot-driven, concerning your quest to find a magical cure for your brother who is taken seriously ill in the early stages of the game. He passes out mid-cutscene, complete with mournful puppy tears and sad music which - uh-oh, here comes that vomit again...

You set sail aboard a pirate ship and learn to fish whilst at sea, by way of an incredibly lame fishing minigame. This involves you pressing A to cast a line which the dog then holds between his teeth, making a Mutley "gnnarfafafffafaffa" face. You simply flick the remote up and down in order to keep the fish on the line, and it feels so unconnected to what's happening on screen that we felt more embarrassed playing it than when our tummies rumble in quiet cinemas.

Then, for some reason, you throw yourself overboard, only to get washed up on the shore of The Dog Island. After that, it's a case of talking to all the villagers and starting the tiresome task of relentless fishing, collecting fruit and flowers to level up, adding extra hearts to your conspicuously familiar heart bar, and unlocking new areas.

Can we just pause for a second to say, however, that the island map is huge. It's not just a couple of areas that are 10 minutes a pop to explore in total - no, we're talking a bigger game world than a great dane from the perspective of a chihuahua.

The environments are quite varied too - we actually quite liked the swimming around in water bits and the way our puppy would dog-shake himself dry when it was time to get out. Er, not that we liked it liked it, it was just, you know, er, visually not unpleasant. And the Harvest Moon: It's A Wonderful Life ability to gaze at the setting sun and watch stars appear in the peaceful colour-changing sky - er, nope, definitely didn't enjoy that either.

Tell me you hate it
Now, although there is a hell of a lot of fruit collecting, it's not that much of a hardship, because the controls are not actually punch-in-the-big-nose bad. There's a directional paw print you move on screen, and you hold down B in order to run in the direction you want. Your hero can pick up a fair pace, too, and it's all very smooth, even letting you shift view and thereby strafe with the D-pad. Not that you'll want to though, as you'll end up in a dog-chasing-tail circular scenario.

Given that the controls don't use the nunchuk at all, they actually manage to cram a fair amount into the remote, and it all feels very natural and - prepare for Wii buzzword - intuitive. A is for action around objects and other animals, but when held down enacts your puppy's ability to sniff out special items and secrets.

Your sniffing is governed by a sort of "hotter/colder" meter, which lets you know when you're going in the right direction. This actually works quite well, and you still have a nice sense of "ooh look at that" when you catch scent of a brand new item you might have walked straight past and missed. Still, if we're running with Zelda comparisons, it's kinda like playing a whole game based around the Link Wolf digging up sparkly crap from under ground.

But wait, we forget, there's the highly charged adrenaline encounters with other beasts that roam the land. Well, actually they don't so much roam the land as bob up and down in exactly the same place on the land. Whilst boredom-inducingly predictable, it makes them the perfect target for your little puppy to sneak up behind and howl his tiny lungs out with the minus button. This way you can stun your enemies, and often they give up a special item they've been hoarding. Unfortunately this gets really tedious fast, and seeing as you can avoid most of the animals, there doesn't seem to be much point in bothering to fight them.

It's not a tricky game, but it has very endearing moments. It's about as complicated as the boardroom sum that came up with: cute + dogs = cash. Will you want to play this? Probably not. Will very young players find it adorable? Almost certainly. Do we feel sick again? Most definitely.

Dog.....Island?

I think I see a pattern starting with Nintendo.

Oh my... so... another one?  

It's times when I read things like that... I really just want to go kill myself. I understand what he meant by the nausea thing... ugh god...

And they're making the games for people with crappy taste like my little sister. She's so stubborn! She's read 3 bad reviews, and still, she thinks its going to be good. And I'm not sure if Nintendo made this one, because my sister says its going to be out for playstation as well.

Ever feel like you wanna kill yourself, or shoot yourself in the head? I did when I read that review.  :P

this review makes me want to go out and strngle small puppies, pun intended

My keyboard is quite sticky from the nausea that just reading the review cuased...

That review sickened me, and reading that last comment sickened me all the more ???

Seriously though, little kids will buy anything that looks cute...they don't put any consideration into gameplay or controls or story...

I'm not too fond of cutesy games, in all honesty. Er... granted, Animal Crossing and Celda games don't count.

I don't want to play it, though. Dogs can't fish.

Uhh... It says that 'fishing' is an integral part of the gameplay :P

Yes. Hence the nausea.  :'(