The Desert Colossus

It has been nearly a year since the Hero defeated the Evil King.

My father says the people of Hyrule are having a grand festival to commemorate Ganondorf's defeat. He says there will be a huge parade and feast and that they'll dedicate the statue in Hyrule castle to the Hero. I wish I could go with him. But I was always different. Sometimes I hear ...things ...that other people say they can't. Living in an area populated with Hylians, my father and mother faced lots of prejudice about me being a freak, or, as the old lady down at the General Store once called me, a demon. So that's why my parents and I moved up to the mountains. I live on Lebe Mountain, the second on the Death Mountain Range. The gap between houses here was ideal for my family, so we moved as quickly as possible. When I was seven, my mother died at the hands of Ganondorf's monsters. I shudder to think of that time. My mother gone, my father not letting me out of the house, monsters everywhere. It stretched on for seven long years. Finally, about a week before I turned fifteen, the monsters left and word spread quickly about Ganondorf's defeat.  Still, almost a year later, nobody had seen the Hero. Nobody but Princess Zelda even knew what he looked like. But everyone is sure he'll show up at the celebration. Why should he not?



News traveled quickly.

So quickly, in fact, I knew the Hero didn't come to the festival before my father returned home. I'd gone to the peak of the mountain with my telescope to watch the parade. I soon realized the Hero did not come. It was obvious due to three reasons. First, the people of Castle Town had a shocked look about them, as if every single one of them had been struck by lightning. Second, the Gorons that lived on the namesake of my mountain range, Death Mountain, who had been sent to present the Hero with a gift of thanks, had already returned with sorrowful looks on their faces. Third, I could see Princess Zelda with my telescope crying in what I guessed was her bedroom, as she was in there quite often. Within a half an hour, the entire kingdom of Hyrule knew our hero was a no-show, thanks to the Postman who delivered not only letters, but the latest juicy gossip to anybody who found it interesting. The dedication ribbon on the Hero statue remained untouched, as did the looks of the citizen's faces. The Hero was gone. He had vanished. And the look on Zelda's tear-covered face told me she knew why.

I know it's kind of short. Should I make a Chapter two or scrap it?

I drew the image too btw. Does anyone like it?

Before you make a new topic just for another chapter, you might like to know that you are allowed to post all the chapters of the series in the same topic. You can also double post as long as your post is another chapter.

Also, interesting series. I like how you haven't told us about wha they look like yet, which makes the reader imagine things themselves. Your writing skills aren't bad, but they aren't "spicy" enough. Use the synonyms option on Microsoft Word to find some good ones.

Thanks. :) Where exactly do I find this Synonym option?


Oh, and I hate to be pushy, but do you like the picture? I drew it myself : P

I'm always a bit iffy about reading anyone's fanfics these days, but I am glad that I took the time to read this.  It's well written, and no immediate criticism is coming to mind.  Except for two things, one of them being general advice.

First off, that's an awfully powerful telescope if it can clearly show people's expressions from that distance.  It had to have been expensive, and I hope you know how your narrator came across it.

As for the general advice, don't listen to Whocares and let your readers wonder what your characters look like.  If you want to make us wonder what the Hero looks like, that's fine and dandy, as it gives the fanfic an edge of mystery, but as for your main characters, detailed descriptions are your friends.  However, you shouldn't bog us down in details all at once.  You should tell us a little bit about your characters as you go on.  For example, start with a general appearance, things that a person would notice without taking a closer look, and then as you progress through the story, throw in small details, like eye color, freckles, etc.  And remember that body expression helps make a character real, so take the time to describe how a person reacts, not just in their tone of voice, but also in facial expressions and slight movements of the body.  Also, take more time to describe your main characters, but for minor characters don't worry too much about making them come off the page, especially if they only have one role in your story.

Here's where you listen to Whocares:  use synonyms.  Get a thesaurus and use it, even if you use obscure terms (so long as you use those obscure terms correctly).  Details are good, but it'll get boring if you use the same word ad nauseum.

As for your picture, it's decent.  It's not the best I have seen, but it's better than anything I could come out with.

Quote from: Hi no Seijin on November 29, 2008, 11:39:05 AM
First off, that's an awfully powerful telescope if it can clearly show people's expressions from that distance.  It had to have been expensive, and I hope you know how your narrator came across it.

He lives on a Mountain directly next to Hyrule Castle, so it wouldn't be that hard. ;)
(http://i465.photobucket.com/albums/rr12/HH92/hyrulewq9-1.gif?t=1227988957)
The circle indicates Lebe Mountain (as if it weren't obvious enough)


Oh, and just to clear some things up, VotD stands for Valley of the Deluge. The narrator is the guy who eventually thinks he is the hero.




And a Fun Fact! The name of Lebe mountain comes from the word Leben, which is German for "Life". I would've named it Life Mountain (as it's next to Death Mountain), but that would've been too cheesy. ;)

To use synonyms on Microsoft Word, highlight the word you want, right click the highlighted section, and then click synonyms. A list of synonyms to that word come up. Choose the ones that look more wordy, but don't choose the ones that are to difficult.

HNS, I didn't mean "don't give any description", but I meant "tell us later and don't tell us everything all at once". It's more my fault for not making myself clear, though.

Also, you're picture is good. With some training you could be an excellent drawer, but you've already got some skill.

I've already made the decision.
I was going to see Princess Zelda. It had been nagging at me for days. Every day the Princess would look at the sky, as if she were waiting for something to fall from it. And every day I would go to the peak of the mountain to watch her. I needed to know what was going on. Most of the guards within the castle had been stationed closer to her bedroom (as I could see through one of the many stain-glass windows adorning the hall leading there) and the number of guards stationed at the Town gates had been doubled since the festival. All guards now carried huge swords, as opposed to the normal lances they were usually equipped with. Something was very wrong. As usual, the people of Castle Town paid no attention to these things, as they were told it was just for normal security measures. But I could tell something big was going to happen. I had to find out just what that was. Therefore, I've decided to break into the Castle to see the Princess. It would nearly impossible, but I'm convinced I can do it. Being a tall sixteen year-old, I could easily blend in with the towns-people. My only problems were getting away from my father without arising suspicion and getting to the Princess' room once I was inside the Castle. I will go tomorrow then. My father will be at Lon-Lon Ranch for the morning. Problem one solved. I could take my Father's sword if I needed it. As for breaking in, I'll need a miracle.

The conditions are perfect.
Far too perfect it seems. I had snuck out after my father had left early in this morning, run down the trail to Death Mountain, then to Kakariko Village, across the river, and into Castle Town. It was a very sunny day out, so I blended into the bustling crowds easily. The guards seemed to miss the fact I was carrying large sword and that I was heading towards the Castle. Oddly enough, there were no guards stationed at the Moat, and the drawbridge had been left down. Here I now stood, gazing ignorantly at the lowered drawbridge. After I recovered from shock at my now abundant luck, I ran off into the Castle. There was not a soul within it. I stood dazed at my situation. Had someone been expecting me? I walked towards the east staircase as I had planned. The East staircase lead to the hallway with the stained-glass windows. I strolled up it to find six guards patrolling the hallway. I knew my luck would run out eventually. I looked desperately for something to hide behind. There were giant stone pillars lining the walls between the windows. I dove quickly behind the first one on the right side. The closest guard must've heard me, because he was running quickly in my direction. What am I to do?!  He ran quickly, closing in on my position and... right past me and down the stairs I had come up, with the other guards close in tow. The door to Zelda's room had been left un-guarded. I ran quickly in case any of the guards came back. The door was un-locked, very easy for anyone to stroll in. I opened the door softly as to not startle her. Inside was the Princess, pointing an extremely sharp golden sword at my un-protected heart.

It seems you've lost the diary-style narrative you've had earlier. Not exactly a good thing.

You're new drawing seems to slopy. I suggest you draw things slowly, it always turns out better.

Quote from: Whocares on November 29, 2008, 02:45:02 PM
It seems you've lost the diary-style narrative you've had earlier. Not exactly a good thing.

I see what you mean. I've read it over myself and agree. But it may help if you read a bit slower. It did for me. I'll try and fix it next time.

Quote from: Whocares on November 29, 2008, 02:45:02 PM
You're new drawing seems to sloppy. I suggest you draw things slowly, it always turns out better.

It's not that I'm going too fast (it took me over an hour to make), it's that I didn't have a model. With the first one, I referred to the Statue in TWW to see if I got everything right. Unless you know of a picture of a really tall, insane sixteen year old breaking into a castle, the picture won't improve anytime soon.


Sorry it was so bad. The next Chapter will be better.

Draw a skeleton before you make the actual drawing. That is, a sloppy-copy that will become the basis for the actual drawing.

Quote from: DeityHero92 on November 29, 2008, 12:33:13 PM
He lives on a Mountain directly next to Hyrule Castle, so it wouldn't be that hard. ;)

There's still altitude to take into account; mountains are tall and a telescope might not see that far unless it's powerful enough.  Also, while it may take a matter of minutes to go from Hyrule Castle to Kakariko (for example) in a game, in real time it would probably take longer; you can't accurately fit a whole country into a game.  So when you're writing your fanfics, you might want to expand in-game distances to make the setting more realistic.

Quote from: Hi no Seijin on November 29, 2008, 07:06:09 PM
Also, while it may take a matter of minutes to go from Hyrule Castle to Kakariko (for example) in a game, in real time it would probably take longer; you can't accurately fit a whole country into a game.

But I never said how long it took him to travel to Castle Town! ;)

I know; it's just something to keep in mind.

Can we have another chapter soon? It's been 2 weeks since the last one.  ;)

I've been brainstorming for awhile. The second chapter was bad because I wrote in one day without thinking it through. The first one was better because I had months to think about it before actually writing it. No, it will not be months 'till another chapter comes out, but it will be a little while longer. Just be patient. :)

EDIT: It will take months. Get over it.

 

"Who are you?!" the Princess demanded.

"I...I'm" I stuttered quietly, not daring to make eye-contact. "Speak up!" she yelled. Words ran through my head, but not my mouth. "I'll ask once more, who are you?!"

"I...I'm... Anil."

"Anil?!" She sounded shocked. "That's... a strange name. And where have you come from, Anil?" she inquired.

"The mountains, Lebe Mountain, to be exact."

"And what urgent business required you to come from the mountains and break into my castle?" She sounded calmer. After a small moment of silence, I said "My father always told me the King owned the Castle, not the Princess."

Big mistake.

She knocked my feet from under me and thrust the sword forward so it just missed my head and drove itself into the carpet. She leaned in very close, putting her knee on my chest, pinning me to the floor, then said angrily
"If that fool of a King runs the land of Hyrule any longer, it'll cost the lives of his people."
She must've seen the bewilderment on my face, for she started to explain everything.
"After the Imprisoning War, in which my poor Father had been murdered in, a fool named Leoni Anurhem took over. He is completely corrupt and doesn't care in the slightest about another living being".

She took her knee off my chest and rose, brushing off her satin blue dress in a desperate attempt to save some of the qualities you'd expect from a princess. I got up as well. She spoke softer this time,

"Anurhem is such a fool. He's demanded the Gorons stay on their mountain unless specially invited otherwise. The Gorons also used to supply us with bombs. But now that they can't trade with us, we are left half defenseless against a major attack. Anurhem has also ordered the Zora to keep within the confines of their Domain. If they rebel and cut our water supply, we're going to have a major famine on our hands."

Baffled by all the new developments, I asked "But why?"

"Because Anurhem believes Hylians are superior to all other races that's why."

As she turned to look at me, I noticed things I'd missed before. She was tall. Not as tall as me, but tall nonetheless. She had beautiful blue eyes and let her light blond hair down loose. But her face looked tortured, like she hadn't slept for days...

"So I return to my question; why are you here?"

Silence.

I had spent so much time focusing on how to get into the castle that I hadn't thought about what I'd say when I got there.

"Well?" she said impatiently.

I forced out a response."I'm... here to ask you something." 

"And? What is it?" 

 "What do you know about the Hero?"

She looked taken aback. "I... well...um... I'm afraid you'll have to leave now."

"What?! After all that you're just going to shoo me away?!"

"Look, you can't be here right now! Leave!"

"But wh..." she cut me off. 

"You'll see very soon! Just get as far as you can away from here!"

Angrily, I turned towards the door to leave. But suddenly the ground began to shake. From across the room I heard Zelda screaming and begging me to leave. Out the window, I saw the clouds covering the sky like an oversized blanket. Then, a massive beam of light struck Death Mountain with a noise so loud, even the bugs flinched. The circular cloud that loomed over Death Mountain changed from it's normal white to a deep red.   There was a blinding white light, and then...




I woke up to find Zelda's room destroyed. I had fainted when Death Mountain erupted. My head felt like someone had swung a metal rod repeatedly into it, until it hurt so bad it was almost numb. I got up from the floor to find my father's sword halfway across the room along with my wallet. It was empty. Then it struck me. Where is Zelda?! She was gone. I picked up the sword and wallet and rushed to the door, hoping Zelda's face would be right behind it, asking if I was alright.

But she wasn't.

The ugly face of King Leoni Anurhem was, however.

And he didn't look happy.

So what did you guys think? did you like it?  :-\

I have an issue with the grammar.  When writing dialogue if a new person starts to speak, then you should start a new paragraph.  For example:

Quote"Speak up!" she yelled. Words ran through my head, but not my mouth. "I'll ask once more, who are you?!"  "I...I'm... Anil." "Anil?!" She sounded shocked. "That's... a strange name. And where have you come from, Anil?" she inquired. "The mountains, Lebe Mountain, to be exact." 

Should be:

Quote"Speak up!" she yelled. Words ran through my head, but not my mouth. "I'll ask once more, who are you?!"

"I...I'm... Anil."

"Anil?!" She sounded shocked. "That's... a strange name. And where have you come from, Anil?" she inquired.

"The mountains, Lebe Mountain, to be exact." 

Other than that, it's good.

I found a minor typo.

Quote from: DisasterHero92 on February 01, 2009, 01:46:58 AM
She shoved to sword forward

I think you meant the, or it's just an awkward way to say it.  ;)


Other than that, this chapter was great!

I like how you gave the esteemed ms.zelda flaws and a temper!  ;D