VotD: Chapter One

HylianHero92 · February 01, 2009, 01:46:58 AM

~Chapter 3~

~Cataclysms' Eve~

"Who are you?!" the Princess demanded.

"I...I'm" I stuttered quietly, not daring to make eye-contact. "Speak up!" she yelled. Words ran through my head, but not my mouth. "I'll ask once more, who are you?!"

"I...I'm... Anil."

"Anil?!" She sounded shocked. "That's... a strange name. And where have you come from, Anil?" she inquired.

"The mountains, Lebe Mountain, to be exact."

"And what urgent business required you to come from the mountains and break into my castle?" She sounded calmer. After a small moment of silence, I said "My father always told me the King owned the Castle, not the Princess."

Big mistake.

She knocked my feet from under me and thrust the sword forward so it just missed my head and drove itself into the carpet. She leaned in very close, putting her knee on my chest, pinning me to the floor, then said angrily
"If that fool of a King runs the land of Hyrule any longer, it'll cost the lives of his people."
She must've seen the bewilderment on my face, for she started to explain everything.
"After the Imprisoning War, in which my poor Father had been murdered in, a fool named Leoni Anurhem took over. He is completely corrupt and doesn't care in the slightest about another living being".

She took her knee off my chest and rose, brushing off her satin blue dress in a desperate attempt to save some of the qualities you'd expect from a princess. I got up as well. She spoke softer this time,

"Anurhem is such a fool. He's demanded the Gorons stay on their mountain unless specially invited otherwise. The Gorons also used to supply us with bombs. But now that they can't trade with us, we are left half defenseless against a major attack. Anurhem has also ordered the Zora to keep within the confines of their Domain. If they rebel and cut our water supply, we're going to have a major famine on our hands."

Baffled by all the new developments, I asked "But why?"

"Because Anurhem believes Hylians are superior to all other races that's why."

As she turned to look at me, I noticed things I'd missed before. She was tall. Not as tall as me, but tall nonetheless. She had beautiful blue eyes and let her light blond hair down loose. But her face looked tortured, like she hadn't slept for days...

"So I return to my question; why are you here?"

Silence.

I had spent so much time focusing on how to get into the castle that I hadn't thought about what I'd say when I got there.

"Well?" she said impatiently.

I forced out a response."I'm... here to ask you something."

"And? What is it?"

"What do you know about the Hero?"

She looked taken aback. "I... well...um... I'm afraid you'll have to leave now."

"What?! After all that you're just going to shoo me away?!"

"Look, you can't be here right now! Leave!"

"But wh..." she cut me off.

"You'll see very soon! Just get as far as you can away from here!"

Angrily, I turned towards the door to leave. But suddenly the ground began to shake. From across the room I heard Zelda screaming and begging me to leave. Out the window, I saw the clouds covering the sky like an oversized blanket. Then, a massive beam of light struck Death Mountain with a noise so loud, even the bugs flinched. The circular cloud that loomed over Death Mountain changed from it's normal white to a deep red. There was a blinding white light, and then...

********

I woke up to find Zelda's room destroyed. I had fainted when Death Mountain erupted. My head felt like someone had swung a metal rod repeatedly into it, until it hurt so bad it was almost numb. I got up from the floor to find my father's sword halfway across the room along with my wallet. It was empty. Then it struck me. Where is Zelda?! She was gone. I picked up the sword and wallet and rushed to the door, hoping Zelda's face would be right behind it, asking if I was alright.

But she wasn't.

The ugly face of King Leoni Anurhem was, however.

And he didn't look happy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So what did you guys think? did you like it? $:-\$

Hi no Seijin · February 01, 2009, 12:28:05 PM

I have an issue with the grammar. When writing dialogue if a new person starts to speak, then you should start a new paragraph. For example:

Quote"Speak up!" she yelled. Words ran through my head, but not my mouth. "I'll ask once more, who are you?!" "I...I'm... Anil." "Anil?!" She sounded shocked. "That's... a strange name. And where have you come from, Anil?" she inquired. "The mountains, Lebe Mountain, to be exact."

Should be:

Quote"Speak up!" she yelled. Words ran through my head, but not my mouth. "I'll ask once more, who are you?!"

"I...I'm... Anil."

"Anil?!" She sounded shocked. "That's... a strange name. And where have you come from, Anil?" she inquired.

"The mountains, Lebe Mountain, to be exact."

Other than that, it's good.

cacturnerules · February 01, 2009, 12:46:00 PM

I found a minor typo.

Quote from: DisasterHero92 on February 01, 2009, 01:46:58 AM
She shoved to sword forward

I think you meant the, or it's just an awkward way to say it.

Other than that, this chapter was great!

KingKomali · February 01, 2009, 04:15:00 PM

I like how you gave the esteemed ms.zelda flaws and a temper!

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The Desert Colossus

News:

VotD: Chapter One

HylianHero92

Hi no Seijin

cacturnerules

KingKomali

xarlote

xarlote

xarlote

xarlote

xarlote

xarlote