A work in progress

Zelda Veteran · August 21, 2008, 11:34:32 PM

Okie doke!
Don't know exactly where to post this...
But I need to know if this is going in a good direction.
Its the first chapter to a book I've begun writing.

[Prologue]

The darkness...

The murky darkness that surrounds me... It breaks it's depths only around the immediate area of the fireplace, where a carefully kindred flame burns brightly, and crackles with life. Much like I used to in my youth...

Ah yes, it had been many years... far too many to keep track of, in any case. The unbearable silence breaks only upon the creaking of my rocking chair, or the popping of the flames that illuminate the room. The loneliness however... now that is something that hasn't been interrupted in years. Day after day the horrible loneliness licks at my soul like a demonic fire.

If only I'd been quicker to the punch... if only I'd been faster... she'd still be here with me right now. I wouldn't have this hole in my heart, and I wouldn't have her ashes on my mantle. I don't know why I let such a small thing slip... if only... if only... I should have been faster... I could have been faster. I could have.[/b]

Chuckles filled the empty house. And then weeping. Long sorrowful weeping. The entire home was filled with an overwhelming blanket of sadness that could bring emotions to even the coldest of men. The urn on the fireplace shined as the light danced around the room. It was always kept free of dust, and was sitting in front of a picture. Between it's frames, sat an average looking woman. Her hair was pulled up into a bun, and a knife held it in place. Her eyes seemed to flicker in tune with the fire, and the weeping carried on.

The horrible weeping.

"Spirits!" The cry came from the elderly man who sat in his rocking chair. He waved a burgundy cane around in the air as if stirring a current of water in the air. "I have one last story to tell!" He shouted, as the orbs and clouds assembled in the center of the room. Some were completely visible, while others were merely clouds of white matter. The ears of the spirits opened intently, as each of them awaited the final story of their friend. The man cleared his throat, and reached for a glass of water that sat on the table next to his old wooden chair. Gripping the cold glass in his old bony fingers, he brought it to his lips, and tipped it up. The liquid spilled smoothly down his throat, and chilled the insides as it passed through them. Placing the glass back down on the table, he wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his robe, and the room fell into silence.

"This story is one that I've never told. Not a single soul." He paused for a brief moment, before lifting his head. "This story is filled with sacrifices... brave spirits... and valiant acts of courage. It all began on a sleepless night in mid winter..."

The room fell silent...

as the tale began...

Keaton · August 21, 2008, 11:36:46 PM

Wow, creepy.

I like it. You have a distinct style, and that's nice.

Twilight Wolf · August 21, 2008, 11:43:25 PM

I really like the way you wrote it; very dark and spooky. I also like how you described things; it really makes it feel like a dark setting, in all senses of the word. It sounds like the makings of an epic story here.

MagmarFire · August 22, 2008, 04:24:02 PM

Indeed, very nice. You use italics well in giving it a bit of a boost in mystique (and, of course, who can argue that they look completely awesome?), and you show skill in showing ambiguity of the plot thus far as to intrigue the audience.

You're writing intelligently, and I respect that. Very well done, ZV!

Zelda Veteran · August 22, 2008, 06:20:47 PM

Thanks a bunch!
So tell me if I nailed what I was going for.
What I was going for was something like this:

- Descriptive enough to be able to paint a vivid picture in the reader's mind.
- Not so descriptive that its drawn out or difficult to read.
- Adding a bit of mystery and anticipation combined with a spooky atmosphere to entice the reader.

Those are kind of the points I tried to nail in the prologue there. I can't stand it when the author is so descriptive that it makes it difficult to understand. Yes, I'm basically targeting a mid teenage audience and below. Its going to be a SciFi kind of story, just to be clear. Different lands, and different races. All that good stuff.

MagmarFire · August 22, 2008, 08:51:19 PM

I believe you have, and I think it's made easier by my hypothesis that Points 2 and 3 go hand-in-hand a bit. If you have it so it isn't drawn out or difficult to read, a side-effect of it is mystery and anticipation.