adventures of a ritos daughter

[medli96]

43 years ago:
soft sounds of harp strums flow through the air. a young hero puts down his sail to follow the sounds. he gets to a cliff and sees a girl standing on the edge playing a harp. he walked up behind herand tapped her shoulder. she turned around and he gasped."ooh" she said "you were listening, im sorry, Im medli" the boy stared "im link, you,you..." he stumbled "have a beak". medli replied "you d..." Link blushed cause he was saying in his head, shes so beautiful even though she has a beak. Meldi said " you dont." she smiled at him and he smiled back. Link sat down and looked at the sun. Medli sat down beside him and rest her head on his shoulder. About an hour later she shrieked"i have to practice my harp" link said" let me help" he took out the windwaker and she gasped" is that the magical baton known as the windwaker?" "yes it is and i will conduct for you" He conducted the earth gods lyric and she played it back. when she finnished play she fell into links arms. She had a vision that she was playing a harp with the earth sage. she woke up and said " i know what i must do, i must go to the earth temple and become a sage. i finally feel important. take me there in your boat". she looked into the sky and someone was flying in the sky. "komali, he mustnt know i am leaving." a tear rolled down her cheek."we must move quickly and quietly.

[medli96]

when they got to the temple medli was grabbed by a floor master the minute they got in. Link had to find her. He had battled wizzrobes, moblins, darknuts, chuchus, and bubbles. He finnally found her in a jail cell, but the only way he could get her out was to play the command melody. When he did that link controlled her out and brought her back down. He returned to his body. "Oh thank you" said medli.

[Hi no Seijin]

One:  This belongs in the Stories Board.

Two:  I'm sorry, but I gagged reading this.  The grammar is horrible.  Many sentences lack capitalization and you switched tenses shortly after starting.  Whenever a new person starts to speak, it's a new paragraph, not one continuous one.  For example:

Link said, "Blah blah blah."

A shocked expression overtook Zelda's face.  "Blah blah?" she asked hurriedly, fear edging her tones.

"Blah," came the grim reply.

Three:  Where's the description?  "He said, she said, he said, she said," and so on.  How did they say it?  See above example.

Four:  If someone suddenly took over my mind to make me do something I could've done by myself, I would be pissed, not thanking them.

Five (though related to Four):  The Command Melody was a game mechanic in TWW to allow the player to control Medli or Makar, who could perform tasks that Link couldn't do.  While it is up to the writer, I doubt that such a spell would have actually existed in Hyrule, but if it did it would be forbidden to be used on someone.  When writing fantasy, you want to make your story fantastic enough that it's just believable; make your idea too far-fetched and no one will believe it, damping their overall enjoyment of reading fantasy.

[medli96]

thats only the biggenting the ending is better i am just copying it from a book i wrot elong ago, so the bigging has not very good grammer and expressions sry bout that.

[medli96]

fine when i continue writing ill change the expressions  to make it more interesting.

[medli96]

Command melody: have yuo ever played this and  she got eated by a floor master? she goes in a jail cell that you must FLY HER OUT OF .

[Hi no Seijin]

I'm familiar with the concept of the gameplay in TWW.  However, when writing a fanfic about it, you don't have to take all of the mechanics literally (i.e., Link using the Command Melody); the writing comes off as unrealistic.  If your goal is to poke fun at the game, then such literal translations from game to paper is okay; however, this doesn't seem to be what you're going for, and Medli thanking Link for taking over her brain is just too far out there for such a seemingly serious story.

And what did you do?  Read my points one by one and posted a reply to each one?  If you're double posting to update the story, that's fine, but any other time you should use the modify button.

[medli96]

ok thanx im newbie at this.

[medli96]

One:  This belongs in the Stories Board.*****

Two:  I'm sorry, but I gagged reading this.  The grammar is horrible.  Many sentences lack capitalization and you switched tenses shortly after starting.  Whenever a new person starts to speak, it's a new paragraph, not one continuous.  For example:

Link said, "Blah blah blah."

A shocked expression overtook Zelda's face.  "Blah blah?" she asked hurriedly, fear edging her tones.

"Blah," came the grim reply.

Three:  Where's the description?  "He said, she said, he said, she said," and so on.  How did they say it?  See above example.

Four:  If someone suddenly took over my mind to make me do something I could've done by myself, I would be pissed, not thanking them.

Five (though related to Four):  The Command Melody was a game mechanic in TWW to allow the player to control Medli or Makar, who could perform tasks that Link couldn't do.  While it is up to the writer, I doubt that such a spell would have actually existed in Hyrule, but if it did it would be forbidden to be used on someone.  When writing fantasy, you want to make your story fantastic enough that it's just believable; make your idea too far-fetched and no one will believe it, damping their overall enjoyment of reading fantasy.

***** i havent put my character in yet this is an intro

[DW]

Still, this is a STORY. This thing isn't a character.

Also, the only characters that are supposed to be on this board are HA2 characters. Speaking of which, I should look through these topics and delete all the ones that aren't HA2 characters.

Also, watch the double posts.

[medli96]

okok u critized me im leaving bye bye

[darkphantomime]

Geez, just LET the people write their stories man.

Someone could just have easily put it into fan works and be done with that.

[Hi no Seijin]

Actually, I couldn't have easily moved it.  And I hope that first part was directed towards Shika.

[darkphantomime]

Nope, both of you. You're both equally at fault here. Be courteous to new members for a change!

[Hi no Seijin]

Good goddesses, you have got to be kidding.  I was offering her pointers, and she even thanked me for them.