An extremely important message to mr. edward elric

[gannon666]

Dear Mr. Elric,

My name is Ezekiel Garfunkel-Jernigan III.  I am an esteemed insurance salesman and internet lover.  I have an extremely important message that I must bring upon your attention.

Over the few days I have been studiously and meticulously studying your activity on these forums.  During this surveillance I noticed that you have visited the "Post Here" thread at least a dozen times, without posting.  I have used flawless methods to extrapolate the data I've obtained based on your activity patterns and discovered that you have visited said thread 238 times and diddn't post anything.

Why am I telling you this?  Recall that the rules of the thread stated that you must post in said thread each time you visit of else katana wielding mountain lions will come after you.  As a respectable human, I understand your error, but these mountain lions are ruthless animals who seek to harm those who do not adhere to the laws they are ordered to uphold.  This is, as they always say, serious business.

Well, you are in luck, my friend!  For I am an esteemed mountain lion insurance salesman.  If you buy my insurance I can promise you that you will recieve great benefits and will be compensated greatly should you have a dangerous encounter with a katana wielding mountain lion.  Feel free to visit my website (link provided in signature) so you can be protected against mountain lions and start saving America's future today!

Yours Truly,

Ezekiel Garfunkel-Jernigan III

[MagmarFire]

May I have some of this insurance?

[Keaton]

Dear Ezekiel Garfunkel-Jernigan III,

My name is Tacheon Alexander Black.  I am an esteemed forums administrator and internet lover.  I have an extremely important message that I must bring upon your attention.

Over the past few days I have been studiously and meticulously studying your activity on these forums.  During this surveillance I noticed that you have been logged onto your IP at least 100 times, with several different usernames.  I have used flawless methods to extrapolate the data I've obtained based on your activity patterns and discovered that you have visited said forums 238 times and have posted lots of things.

Why am I telling you this?  Recall that the rules of the forums stated that you must post on forums with one username each visit or else unhappy forums administrators will come after you.  As a respectable human, I understand your error, but these admins are ruthless animals who seek to harm those who do not adhere to the laws they are ordered to uphold.  This is, as they always say, serious business.

Well, you are in luck, my friend!  For I am an esteemed Desert Colossus insurance salesman.  If you buy my insurance I can promise you that you will recieve great benefits and will be compensated greatly should you have a dangerous encounter with a forums administrator (or moderator).  Feel free to check out my sweet signature (signature provided in signature) so you can be protected against admins and mods and start saving America's future today!

Yours Truly,
Tacheon Alexander Black
aka
Mr. Tabbles
Mr. Bubbles
12th Squad Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi
Zaraki Kenpachi
Tach
Jay
Dr. Milminiman Lammylim Swimlamli
Admiral Ackbar
Sky Lukewalker
Devon von Habersforth
Smokemoar McTokemoar
Hassel Davidhoff
Lady Gaga
Lady Ganja
Lady Google
etc.

[MagmarFire]

May I have some of this insurance?

[Hi no Seijin]

Can I get some Heartless insurance?  Or Organization XIII insurance?

[MagmarFire]

Dude, you have a Keyblade. What more do you need? :P

[Hi no Seijin]

My Keyblade has yet to materialize into this realm of existence.  Until then, I'd like to know that I'm covered.

[MagmarFire]

Then go into the realm of existence that your Keyblade is in. That's what Mickey did. XD

Saves a lot of money, too, I heard.

[Hi no Seijin]

Of course!  Why didn't I think of that?!

[MagmarFire]

You may now split some of your savings with me, wink wink. ;)

[Hi no Seijin]

I was going to give it to Aerith to help fund the restoration of Hallow Bastion.

[MagmarFire]

Give it to Leon; Aerith's been working so hard she sounds like she's gonna fall asleep and collapse.

(If you caught the satirical sarcasm in my post, you know what I'm actually talking about.)

[Hi no Seijin]

Okay, but he has to promise not to team up with Cloud in the tourneys anymore.  They're each a handful alone; I don't need to take them both on at once.

[Twilight Wolf]

Dear Mr. Ezekiel Garfunkel-Jernigan III,

As this thread is directed to me I feel it would be rude for me not to reply in great haste. Your offer, to be sure, is unbeatable and I feel I would do well if I were to accept it. However, I am unsure as to when I will be able to work things out completely as I am low on current funding. I've recently wired several thousand dollars from my personal savings account to a diplomat hailing from Nigera as he's promised to return my loan a thousand-fold if I did so, as he needed said funds to overcome legal fees and to speed up the process of his national bank's bureaucracy to get an even larger sum to its rightful possessor here in the US. He has informed me that upon receiving my loan, it should take about a month to receive my money paid back, along with the extra he has promised. I told him at the time that this would be fine, but if needed I could contact him and see if he could possibly accelerate the process by a week or two.

Still, if you are still interested in selling me such insurance, I would be glad to discuss things in more detail -- perhaps we can do so over lunch some time this coming week. If you wish, you may contact me at your leisure on my personal cell phone, at 703-555-4926, or at my office number, 703-555-3071, and we can arrange a meeting at a time and place that would be convenient for you.

Thank you for your offer, and I look forward to hearing back from you.

Sincerely,

Edward Elric

[MagmarFire]

Okay, but he has to promise not to team up with Cloud in the tourneys anymore.  They're each a handful alone; I don't need to take them both on at once.

You just gotta keep your distance, man. :D

Sonic Blade is your friend.