Greetings, greetings! I am Ezlo, the world renowned Minish Keeper of Lore. I know everything and anything about Hyrule, from the total annual rainfall in the Parapa Desert (zero!) to the average height of the Gerudo Male (6'2"). I have made my vast resevoir of knowledge of the ways and facts of Hyrule available to the readers of the Desert Colossus, and thusly if you have any questions for the Great and Wise Ezlo, then ask away using the form below! You can also email ask_ezlo_of_tdc [at] yahoo [dot] com with the subject line "Ask Ezlo Submission."
Doodle Asks
Dear Ezlo,
what exactly is picolyte? And how do humans and
Minish make it?
Ezlo Replies…
Stay away from picolyte, kids. It's bad. Real bad. And it's made in a laboratory, using that stuff you find under your kitchen sink.
SmellsLikeOranges Asks
Dear Ezlo,
How do you celebrate April Fools' Day?
Ezlo Replies…
NO. WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT DAY.
Nappa Asks
Dear Ezlo,
What does the scanner say about your power level?
Ezlo Replies…
My power level is a bajillion and two.
Moonspazz Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I have a real question for you. Rumor has it that a Legend of Zelda
movie is coming out in 2009. Any hopes of there actually being one or
should I believe it to be an April Fools joke?
Thanks a lot,
Moonspazz.
Ezlo Replies…
While everyone's on about the fake Zelda movie, the possibility of an Ezlo movie goes entirely unnoticed.
pranksta Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I was the one who put marshmallow fluff in your
dandruff shampoo!!!I sorry,I sorry,i never do it
again!!!(hyperventilates)
Ezlo Replies…
YOU HAD BETTER NOT. Don't make me bust out the B(r)oomstick!
Aaahh!...Hi! Asks
Dear Ezlo,
if a girl u like is going out with ur best
friend,but she doesnt know u like her because she is really in love with ur
best friend who really only said yes to her "wanna go out" note because
people told him to,and then she walks up to you after school and says
that she wanted to kiss him but she couldnt find him, and then you
think(good thing she couldnt find him,thank goodness),what do u do?
Ezlo Replies…
You confuse the great and mighty Ezlo.
Link_to_the_Mute Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Is Link a mute? Does he ever sleep? Does he ever eat?
Ezlo Replies…
He's not necessarily mute, but he's undoubtedly too stupid to say anything coherent. And I'm pretty sure he sleeps. Once, he tied me to his bed and slept next to me. ... Bringing up these memories makes me have to go clean myself.
anonymous Asks
Dear Ezlo,
WE ARE LEGION, WE DO NOT FORGIVE WE DO NOT FORGET,
WE WILL NOT STOP OUR ONSLAUGHT ON YOU, WE WILL CONTINUE TO DISTRIBUTE
INCRIMINATING PICTURES OF YOU, WE WILL CONTINUE TO SPAM YOUR INBOX, AND
WE WILL CONTINUE TO PILLAGE YOUR MIND WITH EGGPLANT AND TINGLY
THOUGHTS.
Ezlo Replies…
WE ARE LEGION, WE DO NOT FORGIVE WE DO NOT FORGET,
WE WILL NOT STOP OUR ONSLAUGHT ON YOU, WE WILL CONTINUE TO DISTRIBUTE
INCRIMINATING PICTURES OF YOU, WE WILL CONTINUE TO SPAM YOUR INBOX, AND
WE WILL CONTINUE TO PILLAGE YOUR MIND WITH EGGPLANT AND TINGLY
THOUGHTS.
"We forget our pictures of spam, and we will continue to pillage your eggplant."
Um, go ahead?
boog-boog Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I like pie.Do you like pie?Pie is gooooooooooood!
Boog Boog.
Ezlo Replies…
... Quite.
SUDOKUMAR Asks
Dear Ezlo,
did you know that gameinformer listed you as the #5 hero in their
january 2005 issue?
Ezlo Replies…
Yes, but did you know that I totally deserved first? They have no idea what they're doing.
Kokiri Guy Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I am sorry to hear you did not make Super Smash Brothers brawl. I bet
you would have been an awesome character. Were you overqualified or
something?
Ezlo Replies…
What are you talking about? I did make Brawl. I'm just the ultimate, super-secret impossibly-hard-to-unlock character. And no, I'm not telling you how to unlock Ezlo in Brawl. Bwahaha.
ezlo Asks
Dear Ezlo,
my name is ezlo
seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!?!?!?
Ezlo Replies…
Dear Ezlo,
My name is Padded Cell.
Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!?!?!?
Kokiri guy Asks
Dear Ezlo,
*naviing navi*
Ezlo Replies…
Gasp! How dare you!? You'd better watch your *naving* language, *navi*! Nobody wants to hear that *navi*, ... *navi*!
Kokiri guy Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Who exactly is Daphne?
Ezlo Replies…
Second-in-command for the "New World Order"... Her idea.
me Asks
Dear Ezlo,
do you play conquer online?
Ezlo Replies…
Do I conquer... what?
Sovelis Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I have hatched a scheme that will allow me to take over Hyrule. Will
you assist me? I have cake.... :3
Ezlo Replies…
Why not Termina? They have pie.
goron Asks
Dear Ezlo,
What is Nintendo's "big announcement" for the 2008 e3?
Ezlo Replies…
The Legend of Ezlo.
... Hopefully.
Vaati's lawyer Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I'm here to tell you that my client is not what you
say he is. I'm sorry to say this but i'm going to have to take you to
court and settle this! You have no one to help you now, bwahaha! When
Vaati wins the case i'll make sure to bet your sorry little minish
(Censored)! Prepare to be humiliated!!! You shall spend eternity cooking
eggplants for wrinkled old ugly ladies who find you attractive!!! FEEL THE
PAIN!!!
Ezlo Replies…
That, or I'll just turn you into an eggplant. And then feed you to the aforementioned wrinkled old ugly ladies. Bwahaha.
Saphire Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I'm writing a story about a certain someone (*Cough
vaati Cough*) He's not the main character though, his son is, (*Cough
his name is vaati to COUGH*) Excuse me. Do you mind if i say you're
dead in my story?! Also do you mind if I make you a spirit who finds pity
on Vaati's son and decides to help him (You get to punish him a lot in
my story, lots of hitting and smacking him) it's a real good story!
You'll become one of the 3 main characters!!! YAY! WEll, thanks for your
permission!!! =D XOXOXO
Ezlo Replies…
But... I thought I was dead...?
YOUR WIFE!!! Asks
Dear Ezlo,
EZLO!!! COME HOME RIGHT NOW YOU CHICKEN!!! YOU'VE BEEN GONE
FOR 5 YEARS NOW, EVER SINCE I MADE EGGPLANT SOUP AND EGGPLANT LOAF!!! GET
YOUR WRINKLY OLD MINISH SELF BACK HOME RIGHT NOW!!!
Ezlo Replies…
Daphne! Ready the Wife-Escaping Space Shuttle! TO MARS!
MagmarFire Asks
Dear Ezlo,
If you discovered that you have a doppleganger of yourself in your
closet, what would you do?
Ezlo Replies…
I would shut the closet, and give myself a pat on the back for another day of captivity well done.
The_Secret_Sandwhich Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Oh by the way, you didn't answer my question last
time, that shows how much you know about gettin' into fado's house! and
I mean like, how do you get the key to fado's house? or do you have ta
sneak into it?
Ezlo Replies…
It's either one of those two you mentioned, or something entirely different.
Asks
Dear Ezlo,
is the rumors about The Legend of Zelda:
Silverlight true?
Ezlo Replies…
NO. NO ZELDA/CRAPPY JAVA GAME CROSSOVERS.
GirFan Asks
Dear Ezlo,
are you a fan of Gir,is there a resident Gir
obsesser in your village?
Ezlo Replies…
What's a... "Gir"...?
Ezlo Replies…
A meteor.
Anonymous Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Why was midna in twilightprincess
wearing a healment in curse form?
Ezlo Replies...
It was for protection against a type of medieval headcrab.
Economist Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I have a few questions concerning the Rupee:
1. How much is a Green Rupee worth compared to an American Dollar (or
a Euro?)
2. Rupees look a tad painful to carry about in one's pocket and
impossible to carry in a bag without ripping it - with the sharp edges and
whatnot. Is this so?
Ezlo Replies…
Well, a Hylian Shield will run you about $65 or 80 Rupees, so that's roughly equivalent to... (Daphne, calculator, now.) ... 81 cents. That's right, that giant peice of green rock you've been lugging round for so long, is worth 81 cents. You know, maybe there's a reason you find the things laying around in the grass? Hm? And when your bags are made of Dodongo stomach skin, I don't think sharp edges cause too much of a problem.
chibi Asks
Dear Ezlo,
out of all of the Zelda game endings, which theam do you
like best, I quite like Link to the past ending theam best, oh and on
one of the hylian symbols, it has the triforce at the top, and like a
bird-thing underneath it, whats the birdy thing?
Ezlo Replies…
Minish cap, because I was in it. Why else? And the birdy thing, yeah, that's me too. Of course, the shield designers forgot I was a bird hat and just put a picture of a bird on it. Lousy shield designers.
123_LINK_123 Asks
Dear Ezlo,
MY EPONA BECAME INVISIBLE! I don't know how but I
was just playing Ocarina of Time on Master Quest on my Gamecube and I
was in Hyrule field and I called Epona and I could hear her and
everything but I just couldn't see her. If I play Epona's song anywhere else
she's visible just not in Hyrule field. Any idea how this might of
happened?
Ezlo Replies…
Saddle of Invisibilty, +9.
kokiri blacksmith Asks
Dear Ezlo,
why did Vaati turn you into a hat with the head of
a bird?
Ezlo Replies…
He couldn't quite capture my indescribable awesomeness, so a bird's head had to do.
Zack Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I have 2 questions. #1: Do you think Link and Zelda
will get together? #2: Would you like Midna will come back in any other
games?
Ezlo Replies…
No, Link is way too clueless to land Zelda, but I have to admit, he can dress. Everyone looks good in green. As for #2, she might, but that wouldn't be nearly as cool as THE RETURN OF EZLO!
A petal in the wind Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I don't get it, in the Minish cap you said Vaati was like, interested
in Evil? And then he turns into this like, mad, insane, sexy, and
misunderstood teenager! That only means one thing, you're a bad role
model!!! You know what! I should sue you, for being a bad role model and
ignoring Vaati's needs!!! IT's obvious that Vaati needed some love! His
heart was calling out for it, but you know what, you ignored him, that's
why he turned to evil!!! And how dare you want to hurt and abuse him
still!!! ANd where on earth are his real parents!!! IF they died that's
another reason why he's evil!!! Ezlo, just put yourself in Vaati's place
for one day...you'll notice that he's been deprived of a mother and
father, and to make things worse his master disliked him...of course he'd
turn to evil, that was his only option... My question is, Did you ever
in your life time, Give Vaati a hug when he was little...say "Good
night, i love you" When he went to bed?...Comfort him when he was sad...ever
call him your son? Have you ever done that? And my other question is,
when Vaati was defeated, did you feel grief? I know you were happy that
the evil was gone but...weren't you sad that your apprentice, whom you
lived with for years, had died? Thank you for your time
Ezlo Replies…
So the guy went emo. That doesn't mean homosexuality is the answer.
Saphire Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Do minish ever die...Like of old age? If it's true then how old would
an average Minish be when he/she dies?
Ezlo Replies…
Yes, they do. But not if they're as awesome as me. And they'll be about the same age as their birthdate subtracted from their death date. Bwahaha.
Wind Hero Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Have you ever been stept on?
Ezlo Replies…
Yes, once. And after a week of unfathomable pain, the guy died.
Rule 75 Asks
Dear Ezlo,
there is many rule on the internet. One of them is
the rule 75: there is a female version of every male character. No
exception.
Does it means that we can find females version of you on the internet?
And they look like what? Same old you but with boobs? Or worst? O.o
Oh yeah, one more for the road, when you were a hat, did Link ever
washed his hair? Cause with the swaet and all... It's kinda gross to have
to stand there...
Ezlo Replies…
Erm... What?
Biggest Fan Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Link wears tights, a green skirt like tunic and
hangs out with fairies... Should we be worried? Or is it normal for a
young boy to do so?
Ezlo Replies…
Normally, we would be worried. But we already know the answer to that question.
king of hyrule Asks
Dear Ezlo,
what ever happen to the ocarina of time? Will it be
used again?
Ezlo Replies…
It's still in therapy from the last time Link stuck it in his mouth. So my answer is, no, not for some time.
Mirror Ezlo Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I'am dating Daphne to get lucky. do you approve?
Ezlo Replies…
HAX!
Darth Vater Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Come to the dark side Ezlo.We have doughnuts , cake , coffee ,
and shugar cubes.Come to us if you do not mind sharing smelly used
apartment space.
Ezlo Replies…
Normally, I'd accept. But the problem is, the cake is a lie. And coffee and doughnuts is just not enough.
Better Than U. Asks
Dear Ezlo,
On PH, Mercay island, i started a cucco fight and got through the whole
thing without letting a single cucco hitting me? What's your detailed
tale of your best and/or worst cucco fight?
Ezlo Replies…
I would like to not answer that question... The pain.
Cuccodamasta Asks
Dear Ezlo,
I know there are cuccos in TMC because i own the game, but why aren't
there cucco floods, and why don't they ever get mad?
The cane of pacci gets through the fence, and I've hit that KFC special
until it would normally be extra crispy! Link got out of there
unscathed.
Ezlo Replies…
And in recent news, KFC switches to new, environmentally-friendly "Pacifist Chicken".
Cucco Dude Asks
Dear Ezlo,
There are cuccos on your roof and perched in your windows. surrender
that picori pie and I might spare you at least your right eye.
Ezlo Replies…
Ah, so you think you've won, don't you? You're very wrong, boy. Little do you know that I have planted ninjas on your roof and in your windows. All your base are belong to us.
Garin Asks
Dear Ezlo,
MY UNCLE LOOKS LIKE CHUCK NORRIS!
Ezlo Replies…
You do know that that is blasphemy, don't you? You'd better hope he doesn't hear you say that, or you may be in a position to receive one roundhouse kick to the soul. But then again, he hears everything.
Nikki Edogawa Asks
Dear Ezlo,
What is the symbol for the door in the Water King's
temple in Phantom Hourglass?? Can you please tell me?? Do it for a girl
with a poor brain.My head hurts....
Ezlo Replies…
I would tell you, but your "poor brain" would be incapable of comprehending the answer. In fact, in the previous sentence, I told you how to
do it three times. Bwahaha.
Anonymous Asks
Dear Ezlo,
Ezlo!!!
Ezlo Replies…
Dear Anonymous, Anonymous!!!
Dancing in the Rain Asks
Dear Ezlo, What do you think of rain?
Ezlo Replies…
I think that large drops of water falling from the sky and landing on my head is very painful. I don't like rain.
Ezlo fan!!!!! Asks
Dear Ezlo,how is vaati? have you seen him lately? how are you,
tie anyone to chairs lately?
Ezlo Replies…
Yeah, I've seen him... He's tied to a chair right now.
Link Asks
Dear Ezlo, Please come back and be my hat again? I miss the
days when we'd adventure and share a bed =D. Come on, please? The top of
my head is cold! (if you know what I mean XD)
Ezlo Replies…
Daphne, file in "Oddest messages ever received". It's the one with the padlock.
Viewtiful Asks
Dear Ezlo,
its been a while since ive been here. your replies seem different. did
u go through some sort of transformation?
Ezlo Replies…
Lies! Blasphemy! There are no such things as transformations!
Vaati Asks
Dear Ezlo,WHAT? USING ME AS A PINCUSION? WHY YOU LITTLE GREEN
SON OF A (Censured by Daphne)!!!
Ezlo Replies…
How long has "green" been an insult?
Vaati Asks
Dear Ezlo, I'm sorry for the trouble I have been causing.
Pleas accept my apology and tis poisoned cake... whoops... oh my...
busted... maybe I should just quietly teleport away now...
Ezlo Replies…
Like I said, the cake is a lie.
Vaati Asks
hay ez, hows it hangin? jst wondering when ill show up back in
the zelda series...
Ezlo Replies…
Oh, one minute you're giving me poisoned cake, and the next, you're acting casual? I was right, you are emo.
The_Secret_Sandwhich Asks
Dear Ezlo, How the HECK do you get into Fado's darn house?
Ezlo Replies…
Automated Reply:> Doors are the socially acceptable way to enter buildings.
Your half-partner, Link Asks
Dear Ezlo,when i was playing one of my games (the minish cap)
in it one of your comments was something about leaving an egg in my
hair. Now because of you everyone stays 50 feet away from me! Are you
proud of yourself?! *sobs*
Ezlo Replies…
I don't think that has anything to do with my comment.
super ezlo fan ... major ezlo fan ... i love ezlo Asks
if the zelda games are about link why are they called the
legend of zelda should't it be the legend of link or the hero or something
Ezlo Replies…
I think "The Legend of Ezlo" would be much nicer.
Hatzoff Asks
Dear Ezlo, Did you like being a hat? Or would you rather be a
minish/picori?
Ezlo Replies…
No one wants to be a hat on Link's head.
anonymous Asks
Dear Ezlo,
what's your favorite word?Mine is bubble...bbbubbblle...bbbubbblle!say
it!It tickles your lips!
Ezlo Replies…
Bubble, huh? My favorite word is... "Pop".
the curious little minish Asks
Dear Ezlo, i'm your neighboor minish. And I have a complaintt!
Why do i hear those weird sounds at 12 am? My kids can't sleep and
they have school! If you don't stop whatever it is your
doing...i'll...turn you back into a hat!
Ezlo Replies…
And I'll turn you back into a sock.
Unknown to all but me Asks
Dear Ezlo,
This is just a hypothetical question.
If Tingle made trillions of clones and started to invade every
country in the world, what would you do?
Ezlo Replies…
I would move to Canada. Everyone knows it's not a real country.
Tu Madre Asks
Dear Ezlo,Ona scale of 1-10 how awesome is Shiek???
Ezlo Replies…
Less-Awesome-Than-Ezlo.
Ark Asks
Dear Ezlo,
My mother and father are both botanists. They want me to become a
botanist, but I REALLY DON'T WANT TO! (I wanna be a wizzad.) What's the
best way to tell them off before running away from home?
Ezlo Replies…
Turn their plants into Man-Eating Hyper Zombie Ninja plants.
iastreb Asks
Dear Ezlo,do you like Star WARS? :D Hope you do or there will
be DOOM! :P
Ezlo Replies…
Star Wars? Meh, it's okay. But it's not nearly as awesome as Ezlo Wars.
Hurdy-Gurdy Man Asks
Dear Ezlo,
How are your kinstone fusions coming? My friend Tingle says you've got
769 to go... Better finish those, eh?
Ezlo Replies…
You are... FRIENDS with Tingle!? Get away from me!
kanka Asks
Do you run a onion shop down the road? Im sure ive seen you!
Ezlo Replies…
No, that must have been the other tiny old person. He's a war vet, I beleive.
Death_Blade_182 Asks
Dear Ezlo, can you play through the fire and Flames in expert
mode?
Ezlo Replies…
Not only that, I can play it on Ezlo Mode.
