Ask Ezlo!
May, 2005 Edition

Greetings, greetings! I am Ezlo, the world renowned Minish Keeper of Lore. I know everything and anything about Hyrule, from the total annual rainfall in the Parapa Desert (zero!) to the average height of the Gerudo Male (6'2"). I have made my vast resevoir of knowledge of the ways and facts of Hyrule available to the readers of the Desert Colossus, and thusly if you have any questions for the Great and Wise Ezlo, then ask away using the form below! You can also email webmaster [at] desertcolossus [dot] com with the subject line "Ask Ezlo Submission."

DoodooKAKA asks
Dear Ezlo, Who is this Daphne you keep refering to?

Ezlo replies...
Daphne is my dashing secretary (or "administrative professional" as her lawyers insist I refer to her as). She's in charge of bringing me the letters I ask for so I may answer them. I suspect she steals from me also, but that's a different matter.

Darker asks
Dear Ezlo, theres this kid that used to be my freind and used to love zelda and the next thing you know...he hates me and it. what should I do?

Ezlo replies...
Kid sounds like a total let down. You have my permission to ignore his existence.

randy asks
Dear Ezlo, is zelda the twilight princess?

Ezlo replies...
Yes.

Kiko asks
Dear Ezlo, Where did Gorons come from?

Ezlo replies...
The mountains. They were created by Farore to be the miners of the world.

rockmax asks
Dear Ezlo, who do you think would win in a fight link(oot) or link(TWW)?

Ezlo replies...
Link from OoT, the other would be too occupied trying to get from tipping over due to his massive noggin.

Korok asks
Dear Ezlo, Is Jabun jabu jabu, is valoo valvagia's half brother,how do you go to the bathroom, and do you like tacos.

Ezlo replies...
No, no, on a toilet, no.

Fourswords asks
Dear Ezlo, you must listen to what I say, kill Link and give me $10,000 and are you on the light side? If you are, I'll throw you into a balck hole!

Ezlo replies...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about this: I pay you $5,000 and you keep Link?

And new rule here at Ask Ezlo: no more Star Wars allusions!

Nny's asks
Dear Strong Bad... er... Ezlo, if a tree falls on a mime in a forest and no one's around to hear it... does anyone care?

Ezlo replies...
Ah, the eternal question! Here's the eternal answer: no.

King asks
Dear Ezlo, Why does Zelda II suck so bad?

Ezlo replies...
Daphe, file this letter in the "Could not beat Zelda II" pile!

Dirge asks
Dear Ezlo, If I poked you with a stick....what would happen?

Ezlo replies...
You'd lose that stick, along with an arm or two.

Mr. Clean asks
Dear Ezlo, When you're feeling dirty after all those adventures with Link, how do you get clean? Are you sent to the dry cleaners. (What are the cleaning instructions on the back of your tag?)

Ezlo replies...
Hmmm let me check... cold wash... don't bleach... hencho en Mexico... what the??

g asks
Dear Ezlo, why do you have long hair are you a hippy?

Ezlo replies...
No, just poor hygiene. I'm an old man for goddessakes!

hylian asks
Dear Ezlo, do you have Minish babies?

Ezlo replies...
Actually, funny story: seems my wife gave birth to a litter of little baseball caps. Don't know why though.

Mr. Fortune Cast asks
Dear Ezlo, Why do all your readers associate Zelda with Star Wars?

Ezlo replies...
Do you know how many letters I've gotten asking me to turn to the Dark Side? It's like the Empire has organized a writing campaign!

The asks
Dear Ezlo, I love you.

Ezlo replies...
Daphe! I said bring me the letters, not the love letters!

hi asks
Dear Ezlo, I want to know if Rachel eats worms.

Ezlo replies...
The answer is yes. But Rachel wants to know why you eat dirt.

Miku asks
Dear Ezlo, You should hug Vaati. It might make him happy.

Ezlo replies...
When he apologizes for turning me into a hat I'll give him a hug.

Koeji asks
Dear Ezlo, how do you stay on Link's head when he's rolling?

Ezlo replies...
Oh that's just an optical illusion. In reality I'm the one rolling and Link is staying on my brim.

Kitani asks
Dear Ezlo, Do u like your job...?

Ezlo replies...
According to my contract: yes.

anonosomthing asks
Dear Ezlo, why are zoras naked?

Ezlo replies...
They'd like to ask you the same question! But serious, have you ever seen a fish in clothing?

Darker asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you think ZELDA DS will have good grafics?

Ezlo replies...
Well, the DS's graphics are comparable to the N64's graphics, so one can certainly assume that Zelda DS would be close to as nice looking as Ocarina of Time.

FuriousPhil asks
Dear Ezlo, What is your full name, how old are you, what color was your hair before you got old, and do you think I'm crazy for asking you all these questions? (I'm your number 1 fan!)

Ezlo replies...
Ezlo Ezlington the XIV, old enough, white, and yes.

RougueChic asks
Dear Ezlo, I'm a sweet, teenage girl. I do have crushes on a few guys, but everyone tells me that men are pigs, and to stay away from them until I'm TWENTY!
(I honestly think they're dogs!) What do you think?

Ezlo replies...
All men are pigs, but then again all women are hens. Just be happy like me and die alone... wait... how is that happy?

Deathbringer asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you have any suggestions for character names? I made this perfect kick-butt female character for my "book", but I can\'t think of a perfect kick-butt name! Help!

Ezlo replies...
Hrm... how about... Ezla? Swish, I do it again!

PinkLink asks
Dear Ezlo, if there is another Four Swords game should there be a girl Link?

Ezlo replies...
We already have a girl Link, but she only comes out on saturday nights.

keichigo asks
Dear Ezlo, what has a thousand teeth and holds back my monster?

Ezlo replies...
A bad joke?

i asks
Dear Ezlo, What would you do if you got hold of the triforce ? And what would happen if I got hold of the triforce?

Ezlo replies...
If I got ahold of the Triforce... I'd probably turn everyone else into a hat, so they can see how it feels! If you had the Triforce, well in that case I'd expect to be inundated with millions upon millions of gold-tinted letters.

Master asks
Dear Ezlo, do you like being a hat? And besides shrinking people, do you have other special abilities?

Ezlo replies...
Well, other than not having any arms or legs, being a hat was pretty sweet. As for my other special abilities, does being able to eat dinner at four o'clock in the afternoon count?

Elissa asks
Dear Ezlo, Did you ever love Vaati?

Ezlo replies...
Not really, darn kid was always smart mouthin' me. And the whole "turning me into a hat" thing didn't help his case much either!

Darth asks
Dear Ezlo, Ezlo. Do not underestimate the power of the Dark Side. You Minish scum will soon be destroyed. Join me, Ezlo, and you shall be my new apprentice, Darth Vilenous. Join me, and you will have the power to defeat you enemy, Darth Vaati. Thats right. Darth Vaati is after you. Defeat Vaati, and your training will be complete, and together, we will rule the Galaxy!

Ezlo replies...
Daphne! I said bring me the serious letters, not the Geek Bag!

Amanda asks
Dear Ezlo, Why do I hate you so much?

Ezlo replies...
:(

mean asks
Dear Ezlo, which came first the chicken or the egg?

Ezlo replies...
The egg, since it would have to be laid by a proto-chicken that the actual chicken evolved from. The proto-chicken mutant (ie. what we consider a chicken today) would have been its parent.

parapa asks
Dear Ezlo, how old are you?

Ezlo replies...
Old enough.

link asks
Dear Ezlo, what will you do if you were in a park resting and suddenly a naked man appear with a beach ball?

Ezlo replies...
Daphne! I said bring me the serious letters, not the Joke Bag!

King asks
Dear Ezlo, if two trains are going at two million miles per hour on the same track in space with two people in each of them then would they crash or would they stop and have milk and cookies?

Ezlo replies...
In space there's no friction, so the trains wouldn't move on the tracks at all. Therefore, they could share milk and cookies (rather than the alternative of a firey death).

martin asks
Dear Ezlo, if Vaati puked on you, what would you do?

Ezlo replies...
NEXT QUESTION.

blaze asks
Dear Ezlo, how old is Vaati?

Ezlo replies...
Not too old to not get a beating from me, I'll tell you what!

Dr. Left asks
Dear Ezlo, what is the last digit of Pi?

Ezlo replies...
Zero. If you're actually interested in this subject, check out this site.

Amanda asks
Dear Ezlo, What sound will you make If I hit you?

Ezlo replies...
"Ouch."

Dark asks
Dear Ezlo, Join the dark side. We have 40 year old cheese in fine glass.

Ezlo replies...
Why would you keep old cheese in a glass?

nami asks
Dear Ezlo, what was Vaati like when he was still your apprentice?

Ezlo replies...
Well, he always was laughing maniacally under his breath, and all that plotting... nothing out of the ordinary though.

Keichigo asks
Dear Ezlo, are Link and Zelda brother and sister?

Ezlo replies...
No!

Link asks
Dear Ezlo, why did Link get scarde when the Gorons were gonna give him a hug?

Ezlo replies...
You be chased by a 400-pound rock creature with its arms outstretched and tell me you'd stand still.

Monty asks
Dear Ezlo, What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen European swallow?

Ezlo replies...
According to this website, about 24 miles per hour.

fakemp90 asks
Dear Ezlo, Why am I so fat? Why do bad things happen do good people? What do you think the situation would be if Link found a lightsaber?

Ezlo replies...
Because you eat too much; because they deserve it; he'd probably chop his arm off swinging it around.

baby asks
Dear Ezlo, is Vaati a girl or boy?

Ezlo replies...
Boy, I think... hope.

joe-bob asks
Dear Ezlo, How do you know that Ganondorf can\'t commit?! >.>

Ezlo replies...
He broke my heart back in my college days. MUST YOU PROBE?!

Durt asks
Dear Ezlo, Ya now the Rito in TWW? What kind of birds are they supposed to resemble?

Ezlo replies...
Seagulls, I assume. The dead give away is their love of trash. Oh, and their city is built on a dump.

Some asks
Dear Ezlo, What exactly is the Wind Waker? The stick or the guy using it?

Ezlo replies...
The "stick" as you so eloquently describe it.

Kyru asks
Dear Ezlo, What type of underwear (if any at all), does Link wear? Just curious..

Ezlo replies...
Is none of the above a choice?

Twilight asks
Dear Ezlo, Why do you waste your time answering these questions and not out there helping Link or something, oh and do you have a favorite type of music?

Ezlo replies...
I'm pretty sure I've explained this before... TDC's trapped me in a very unfortunate contract. oh, and I get a sick thrill at being paid minimum wage to be sarcastic to strangers. As mfor my favorite music, I prefer singing frogs, but I also stand about two inches tall.

martin asks
Dear Ezlo, if you were a darknut, what would you do?

Ezlo replies...
Polish my armor. A henchman of darkness needs to look his best, ya dig?

a asks
Dear Ezlo, Why aren't there ever any female gorons, dekus, minish, or Koroks?

Ezlo replies...
Well, that's a multi-part question. Firstly, Goron females look just like males, except females emit a strange odor that differs only slightly from the males' pungent fumes. As for the Deku, well there was the Deku Princess, no? And Minish don't have females, since we are a race of asexual mouse-elves. Lastly, Koroks are earth spirits. They're too busy making sure that all plant-life doesn't die to reproduce. The noive!

twi asks
Dear Ezlo, we want to now if we will be able to hear the people's voices in "Twilight Princess."

Ezlo replies...
Expect the voice acting to entail such Oscar-worthy monologues as "Hey!" and "Arrrghh!!" and "Hello."

Darker asks
Dear Ezlo, how come your meaner to us than you are Link sometimes?

Ezlo replies...
Because I don't depend on your craniums for rides?

Master asks
Dear Ezlo, I have come back for your soul...Vaati had tricked me into wearing the Fierce Diety Mask and I can't take it off...the mask tells me u caused young link many a migraines with your squawks and constant harrasment like navi who did the smae to me *falshback* Navi: hey ...listen..hey you *end flashback* Any last words before you get squished under my Iron Boots and sliced by my Great Fairy Sword?

Ezlo replies...
Ezlo is not in right now. Please leave a message with Daphne at the beep... Beep.

Stormcrow asks
Dear Ezlo, Why are the eyes of a horse on a jackpilot flying above the bay? And, what is the square root of 76? and what is the square root of monkey? and why? what is the point of human exsistance? and what is my favorite colour? What is frank's lucky number? am I RAMBLING? why?

Ezlo replies...
Because it can; 8.71779877; zero, because monkey is not a number; to procreate; trick question, you're color blind; also a trick question, Frank can't count; yes; because you think you can stump me, WHICH YOU CANNOT.

Vaati asks
Dear Ezlo, How do I send you questions?

Ezlo replies...
...

TwiGGy asks
Dear Ezlo, What's the meaning of life? I always thought it was listening to your sacarstic remarks.

Ezlo replies...
Wait, are you saying that there is more to life than sarcastic remarks? Daphe! Pack my bags! I'm off to Tibet. Enlightenment, here I come!

Darker asks
Dear Ezlo, when is the next HyruleRPG coming out?

Ezlo replies...
Eventually, but not for a bit. Once Hyrule Adventures 2 is done and launched would be the best time to expect it,

Jackie asks
Dear Ezlo, Can I wear you?

Ezlo replies...
For the last time: NO! And that restraining order is still in effect, buddy.

Blazer asks
Dear Ezlo, I know Link is annoying, and that sometimes you want to kill him. But I bet,somewhere down deep deep in your hat soul, somwhere in your heart, you love Link with all your heart. (and no im not saying your a pedifile or gay)

Ezlo replies...
Well, we did sleep in the same bed... er... NEXT QUESTION.

jfsdka asks
Dear Ezlo, Why is someone in the kitchen with Dina?

Ezlo replies...
She's prone to... start unintentional fires. It's for the best.

Ganonthegerudo asks
Dear Ezlo, how many pounds does Goron-Link weigh?

Ezlo replies...
Ever the diligent correspondent, I tracked down Goron Link and lifted him onto a scale. Good news! You'll be getting my chiropractor bill in a week.

Jario asks
Dear Ezlo, can I wear you on my head? It's cold out today and I need a hat.

Ezlo replies...
If you don't mind me reminding you every thirty seconds that I'm cold too. It won't be pleasant for either of us, really.

A-Sha-Ley asks
Dear Ezlo, if you could change one thing about Princess Zelda, what would that be?

Ezlo replies...
She'd learn how to use a sword and shield and do her own dirty work.

Timigi asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you think Vaati looks cute in his minish form?

Ezlo replies...
Adorable! But that's immaterial.

Foreigner asks
Dear Ezlo, Why does Zelda say she is sorry and wishes she never had led Link into her schemes when she was younger at the end of OoT?!

Ezlo replies...
Wouldn't you be a little sorry if you dragged a little boy across time and space to stop a creepy guy that took over the world because you were too afraid to just TELL YOUR FATHER HE WAS EVIL?

King asks
Dear Ezlo, What would you do if you was confronted by dancing pieces of poisen chocolate?

Ezlo replies...
NEXT QUESTION!

Obi-Wan-Kenobi asks
Dear Ezlo, do you think that Link could become a jedi? If so what color would his lightsaber be and how badass would he be?

Ezlo replies...
Well, since there is no "Force" in Hyrule, I'd say the first part of your question is a no. However, I am quite certain Link would choose a green lightsaber. I mean, seriously, would you expect any different?

Chirsira asks
Dear Ezlo, Why does Vaati look like an insane mouse bent on domination?

Ezlo replies...
Because he is an insane mouse bent on domination?

Sakura asks
Dear Ezlo, if Vaati was so... Insane.. Then why not buy him a teddy bear and get him some good therapy?

Ezlo replies...
Ugh, therapy is so... expensive... I'd just rather he'd ravage the world and leave my wallet alone.

Kirbyfancobra asks
Dear Ezlo, are Minish a type of rodent? They look like rodents to me (no offense).

Ezlo replies...
None taken. Minish are like a breed between mice and elves. I'm not saying we are though, what we really are is a deep, dark, terrible secret which must never see the light of day. How that answers your question! :)

james asks
Dear Ezlo, what is 1+3*8/5+9*3-12/6*9+99-67+9 because i really need help on my math test.

Ezlo replies...
Well... if you follow the principles of PEMDAS (Parenthenses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction) for the order if which to answer the parts of the problem. First you simplify it to 1+24/5+27+12/54+99-67+9... then 1+4.8+27+.222+99-67+9... then 132.022-76... so the answer is 56.022. TA DA.

Zelda asks
Dear Ezlo, What's your favorite food, color, and do you get sick when you eat pickles and why am I asking you so much?

Ezlo replies...
Rotisserie Cucco, Green, No, you like attention.

Fourswords asks
Dear Ezlo, did you ever had the urge to kill Link?

Ezlo replies...
Yes, but then he ameliorated my rage by buying me expensive things.

Flamen asks
Dear Ezlo, Whats the sound of one hand clapping?

Ezlo replies...
Hit your face a few times to find out!

gamefreak asks
Dear Ezlo, if a tree falls in a forest and noones around to hear it, does it make a sound.

Ezlo replies...
Yes. CA-CRAAACCKKKK... SHHHOOOOMMMM... CRASSSHHHHH!!! Wow not everyday do I get a question that allows me to mime.

Aaron asks
Dear Ezlo, do some weebles actually fall down?

Ezlo replies...
Only the inebriated ones.

Mr. asks
Dear Ezlo, I just glued my finger up my nose and now I can use the controller. What should I do?

Ezlo replies...
Hold on, lemme go get a video camera and a self-addressed stamped envelope to Bob Sagat.

Me asks
Dear Ezlo, what's the total annual rainfall in Haunted Wasteland?

Ezlo replies...
On a good year, zero.

Link asks
Dear Ezlo, Why do so many people think that Link is ten and later seven in OoT? There's no official source that says so, and according Miyamoto he's eight.

Ezlo replies...
I know! I hate those people.

link asks
Dear Ezlo, what is link's last name?

Ezlo replies...
Well, you should know, why are you asking me?

vatti asks
Dear Ezlo, who is gannon's dad?

Ezlo replies...
Some random schlub that got lucky with a Gerudo in Hyrule Castle Town.

Darker asks
Dear Ezlo, What made you turn into that duck looking thing anyway?

Ezlo replies...
Erm... Vaati... Minish Cap... I won't ruin it for you.

jz asks
Dear Ezlo, will vaati return?

Ezlo replies...
He better, the kid owes me money.

Jario asks
Dear Ezlo, why did Vaati turn you into a hat?

Ezlo replies...
Either it was an Oedipal complex, or he heard me thinking aloud late at night talking about how sexy hats are... NEXT QUESTION.

??? asks
Dear Ezlo, do you like pizza?

Ezlo replies...
Not the kind that comes from a toilet thank you very much. Now, take this expensive Land Deed and be gone!

Jario asks
Dear Ezlo, who was Kaepora Gaebora a reincarnation of?

Ezlo replies...
A guy who died named Kaepora Gaebora?

jonathan asks
Dear Ezlo, in the new zelda will there be the places like in OOT?

Ezlo replies...
I don't know, I hope so!

Left asks
Dear Ezlo, there is all this talk of Link liking Zelda. But in Zelda comics, pictures, and fan fictions, Link is liking one of the 3 in each of the materials: Zelda, Malon, or Saria. Who do you personally think Link likes?

Based from evidence from the games, who do you think Link loves?

Ezlo replies...
Well, Saria's a shut in, so she's not a viable prospect. Malon smells like manure, strike three there. And Zelda, well, you date a Princess and tell me how that works out for you. Frankly the kid's better off with that fish... er, Ruto.

Ezlo asks
Dear Ezlo, why am I so mean to Link.

Ezlo replies...
I don't know, but if you don't mind me saying, you are one hot slice of pizza with an olive on top!

Alfhara asks
Dear Ezlo, I once read a comic strip. Link told Zelda he was getting married to Malon! Please say this isn't true!!! (I actually think Link's hot! I have losta crushes on game characters. I know.. I'm so weird.)

Ezlo replies...
No it isn't, Link is still in his "afraid of girls phase" from what I can tell (running from Ruto case in point!). And, word of advice, if you have to act on those crushes, avoid Ganondorf, the guy cannot commit.

Bogus asks
Dear Ezlo, Is that really Link in TWW? I thought it was just some kid from a bazillion years later..?

Ezlo replies...
He's not the same Link as in OoT if that's what you're asking. Even the King of Red Lions informs Jabun that he is not the same Link.

Timigi asks
Dear Ezlo, do you like cheese?

Ezlo replies...
Only if it is forty years old and served with a fine glass of Chateau Romani. C'est magnifique, sur la prochaine question!

twi asks
Dear Ezlo, why are Great Fairies so scary??

Ezlo replies...
You live in a fountain for a thousand years at a time with no visitors and tell me you would keep sane!

Marie asks
Dear Ezlo, In episode #1 of hyrule rpg, how can you get out of Kakariko village? I got the code from the thief, which is [CENSORED], but I just don't know what to do with it!

Ezlo replies...
Go back to the HyruleRPG main page and click on the link for Chapter 2. Hit the button and enter your code!

Fourswords asks
Dear Ezlo, what happens when you die?

Ezlo replies...
All your friends steal your stuff. NEXT QUESTION.

Justin asks
Dear Ezlo, Is Zelda in love with Link?

Ezlo replies...
Good Goddesses man! They're like eight years old!

Hylian asks
Dear Ezlo, who do you like better, Din, Nayru, or Farore?

Ezlo replies...
If we're talking Oracles, then I'd have to say Din, 'cause she's spunky.


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