Greetings, greetings! I am Ezlo, the world renowned Minish Keeper of Lore. I know everything and anything about Hyrule, from the total annual rainfall in the Parapa Desert (zero!) to the average height of the Gerudo Male (6'2"). I have made my vast resevoir of knowledge of the ways and facts of Hyrule available to the readers of the Desert Colossus, and thusly if you have any questions for the Great and Wise Ezlo, then ask away using the form below! You can also email webmaster [at] desertcolossus [dot] com with the subject line "Ask Ezlo Submission."
Skullkid asks
Dear Ezlo, Your mama told me you are 7,849,147,230,969 years
old. And, you can't go to Cairo in Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.
You can only look at it from the Pyramids of Giza on yhe other side of
the Nile.
Ezlo replies...
Good Goddesses, how am I older than the Universe? By more than 7,000 times that too! Am I... God? *gets struck by lightning* Ouch...
Maki asks
Dear Ezlo, I need one more of those stone to fuse in TMC. But
I cant now becasue i was suppose to do it in the begging on the game
and i already beat the game. What do i do?
Ezlo replies...
Start over? What else can you do?
Tingle asks
Dear Ezlo, Ezlo sir, why do you hate me so? Tingle shall sell
you maps sir, for you to be my friend, sir.
Ezlo replies...
Evil! Why, why doesn't the garlic work?! HSSSS!!
Ezlo asks
Dear Me, why am I talking to myself?
Ezlo replies...
Good question self. Hey, looking good!
K-9 asks
Dear Ezlo, being a somewhat obsolete cheesy special effect
from a cheesy television program that is little known in Hyrule, I do not
expect you to recognize me. Suffice to say that I a highly advanced
piece of machinery who has been shafted with composing this letter. You
see, we of the 'Union of Incredibly Annoying Traveling Companion Who Are
Smaller Than a Breadbox' have, after much thought and deliberation,
deemed you worthy of our ranks. Affirmitave, you have read that quite
correctly. As soon as this letter finishes printing from my nose, I shall
ready your chair on our Board. Please note the the life form known as
"Navi" has already been initiated and will aid you should anything get
too out of whack for you. We await your reply.
Ezlo replies...
I graciously accept, provided that there is a generous stipend and a Minishmasukah ham coming with the seat.
fat albert asks
Dear Ezlo, HEY HEY HEY EZLO! its fat albert!! how do i lose weight? ive
tried every thing. is because i was drawn that way?
Ezlo replies...
Have you tried hibernating? I bet after a few months of jsut sleeping you'll burn that blubber right away.
Shadow Link asks
Dear Ezlo, Screw this letter buisness, pal. You should join inv Tingles army of
the dead.
Ezlo replies...
Sorry pal, but middle aged men in tights don't pay the bills like working at website does.
zelda master asks
Dear Ezlo, in LOZ OoT there is a running guy. every time i
beat him he is always 1 second before me! its really starting to irritate
me. what do i do? ps. i already gave him the bunny hood. does it
matter?
Ezlo replies...
The actual act of giving him the Bunny Hood makes racing him possible. And no, there is absolutely no way to beat him in the race. Sorry.
duh asks
Dear Ezlo, Why do you always act so mean to the stupid people? Don't waist you
your time, just ignore them.
Ezlo replies...
There's no such thing as stupid people, just annoying people that ask stupid questions and demand to be corrected. That is where Ezlo is needed most.
HH asks
Dear Ezlo, I learned from a certain "friend" that there is in
exsistence a medallion that lets people see minish without the need of
purple ruppees, and I'll buy it for...the Largest Wallet from WW filled
with 5000 gold ruppees (thats 500x5000)will you accept this offer or
force me to go ninja on you?
Ezlo replies...
I reluctantly accept the laughable latter "ninja" option. Bring it on, my friend, I am a black-with-polka-dot belt in Minish-Fu.
Shadow Vaati asks
Dear Ezlo, I found the way to get the eggplants to be on our
side, water them, now that we can defeat Tingle, and David Jr. is free,
what do you want from the now abandoned Tingle Island and Tingle Tower.
Ezlo replies...
Burn it to the ground and salt the earth so nothing may ever grow there.
Robo asks
Dear Ezlo, If Tingle was a lollypop, what flavour would he be?
Ezlo replies...
Tutti frutti.
*rimshot*
See Daphne? I told you a drummer was a good investment!
slappy-happy asks
Dear Ezlo, How do you pronounce the
following?: Kokiri, Kakariko, Gerudo, Hylia.I think that's about it.
Thanks again and keep doin'yah thang!
Ezlo replies...
(1) Koh-kee-ree, (2) Kah-kar-ih-koh, (3) Geh-roo-doh, (4) Hi-lee-ah.
Random asks
Dear Ezlo, on average, how many threats do you recieve per
week? What party (Vaati, Tingle, Eggplant Army, etc.) is responsible for
the most threats?
Ezlo replies...
Actually, the largest number of death threats I get tend to derive from Quebecois Separatist�s.
Oggie Boogie asks
Dear Ezlo, I'm hungry for revenge, im going to get Sandy Claws, Ragdoll, and you
to have as hostages to have the worst nightmare as I kill Jack
Skellington, then I will free every villian on Earth, FINALLY, I WILL EAT YOU
LIKE A BUG!!!!!
Signed,
Oggie Boogie
Ezlo replies...
I smell a crossover—The Nightmare Before Minishmasukah!
King Bob asks
Dear Ezlo, I'ev hread form svearl suroces taht it is
apatrpanly pibssole for a preosn to eisaly udenrastd mxied up wrods porvdied
taht the frist leettr is kpet at teh fornt, and the lsat at the bcak.
Mghit you hvae any tuohgts on tihs? Or has it tkaen yuor now-cnollefuddd
bairn huors jsut to get tihs far? I wulod qutie sresoly lkie to konw if
tihs atcaully wroks...it smees to be fnie wtih hmuan bairns, but I'ev
nveer tsested it on pmoupos, icnh hihg mnisih bfroe....
Ezlo replies...
I can assure you that I could read that paragraph it was mixed up, frontwards, backwards, upsidedownwards, or diagonalwards. Minish brains are highly adept at reading the intent behind sentences, among other information, rather than what's there. For example, from your paragraph I now know that you have a leaky gall bladder. You should get that checked out.
Athenia asks
Dear Ezlo, I put a laxative in his coke, just like you said! All that did was
make him abuse me longer because he spends less time in the bathroom! What
do I do now?
Ezlo replies...
Ummm, have we tried locking him in the bathroom yet? Yeah, go with that.
DarkLink asks
Dear Ezlo, are you looking forward to Twilight Princess?
Ezlo replies...
Like I'm looking forward to my next colonoscopy! Oh wait, i meant to be positive.
Whocares asks
Dear Ezlo, AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It's 1933 and a giant ape named Kong
( New York added King to his name ) is carrying a woman named Ann
Darrow on top of the Empire State Building in New York
City!!Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ezlo replies...
Oh no, we've gone back in time. Quick, we have to kill John Updike while he's still a baby. We don't have much time!
brother asks
Dear Ezlo, do you update daily, weekly, or monthly?
Ezlo replies...
Whenever the mood strikes me to do so. What can I say: eh?
Skullkid asks
Dear Ezlo, I asked your mama, she told me you were 18 when the
Ask Jeeves guy. And you were in school for 100 years after that. You
said you haven't been to school in 300 years. So you're 418 years
old!!!!!!!!!!!
Hah!!!!!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!HAH!
Ezlo replies...
My mother is harlot and drunkard, believe not a vile drop of verbage that spills from her ugly lips. Ezlo has spoken!
NAVI asks
Dear Ezlo, WHY AM I SO ANNOYING?
Ezlo replies...
Why is the sky blue? It's just one of those things that just is.
Sailor N asks
Dear Ezlo, What came first, the chicken or teh egg? And what is the meaning of
life??
P.S You should do a archive of all your ask Elzos.
Ezlo replies...
Come on now, I've answered the first question before in this edition. As you your second question, the meaning of life is the multiplication of your own species. And yes, we are working on the archive, it will be done in the next few days.
Vaati, your apprentice asks
Dear Ezlo, Okay, time for my revenge! I know your true weakness, and it is for
you to answer every question you are asked! So, for my question, what is
the exact value of pi?
Ezlo replies...
3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128 4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 4564856692 3460348610 4543266482 1339360726 0249141273... and so on and so forth.
Master of ALTTP asks
Dear Ezlo, Why does Vaati have that scar under his right eye? WHAT DID YOU DO TO
HIM!?
Ezlo replies...
I swear I didn't touch him! He just ran into that baseball bat... eye first... no more questions!
edgewise asks
Dear Ezlo, if you're so old, how come you talk all hip and stuff
when the Deku Tree for instance woffles on saying "verily" and "dost thou"
and whatever. You've got like all this attitude too, what's up with
that? You're a hat, deal with it.
Ezlo replies...
Because, unlike Deku (and you, apparently), I'm one cool dude. So get down with your bad self... Homey... G.
MagmarFire asks
Dear Ezlo, If you were a character on Super Smash Bros. Melee, what kind of
ultra-super special attack would you have?
Ezlo replies...
I'd attack all enemies on screen by yelling at them repeatedly so that they felt so bad and so stupid they'd jump off the screen to their deaths.
Tingle 2 asks
Dear Ezlo, Why dont you like Tingle? He said hes running for
president soon and like a fellow of pink bunnies I will vote for him
too,( lol) will u?
Ezlo replies...
President of what? The looney bin?
Kilafer asks
Dear Ezlo, How did Link and Tatl get onto the moon in Majora's Mask?
Ezlo replies...
The moon sucked them in using a giant bendy straw. Looked fun too.
kara haci asks
Dear Ezlo, seni amina koyim ben hemi ibne
Ezlo replies...
Oh now you're just talking gibberish.
Mardom asks
Dear Ezlo, were I to ask you that ever-infuriating question,
"why?", I am quite positive that your answer (as it may have already
been sometime in the past, I'm not sure) would be "why not?" So, instead
of that, I ask you: Why why not?
Ezlo replies...
Why not why not?
hatred of fairy wannabes asks
Dear Ezlo, tingle is stealing ruppees out of your bedromm
window. dont know how he got small enough to get into minish village but, if
i shoot him with an ice arrow, will you report me for murder?
Ezlo replies...
We didn't have this conversation, plausible deniability you know. (Ps. Go for it)
bubba joe asks
Dear Ezlo, i know there is somthing fishy about the spot RIGHT
across from the great fairy fountain in the desser collossus by the
temple. there is a rock that you can lock onto with the targetting system.
and a pit. whats up with that spot?
Ezlo replies...
If you play the Song of Storms the put will fill up into an oasis and turn into a fairy fountain.
King Kong asks
Dear Ezlo, Is Tingle an Oompa-Lumpa?
Ezlo replies...
Nah, he doesn't have orange hair or sing and dance on command. Only speak gibberish.
x asks
Dear Ezlo, why do i keep seeing so many questions about tingle?
Ezlo replies...
There are a disproportionate number of Tingle haters that frequent this page.
Koholint asks
Dear Ezlo, is it just a queer coincidence that Vaati's last
name is Von Doom? Or does his family have a... history of being evil?
Ezlo replies...
Well, they did emigrate from Latveria a few generations back. You tell me.
Leinator asks
Dear Ezlo, tu loquor latine? ego looqueris latine.
Ezlo replies...
Well, normally one cannot speak Latin. They can write Latin however. Moreover, your wording is off. It should be Operor te narro Latin? Ego narro Latin. Although, please note that I prefer to use narro instead of loquor.
sad asks
Dear Ezlo, I am moving to Kentucky in a few months. I am really bummed out about
it and need something to cheer me up. Any suggestions?
Ezlo replies...
Turn that frown upside-down, here are some fun facts about Kentucky. Oh... ye Goddesses, it's worse than I thought... I'm so sorry.
Lindsey asks
Dear Ezlo, In the WW, when Link faced off with Ganon the first
time, Ganon tried to kill him, but the second time Ganon said he
wouldn't kill Link. What's up with that?
Ezlo replies...
All those centuries trapped in the Dark World turned him into a pansy. you can tell from his little speech at the end of the game.
darkvl asks
Dear Ezlo, When asked to explain Einstein's theory of relativity, you proceeded
to describe what is known as Galilean relativity. Einstein's theory of
special relativity states that the laws of motion and of
electromagnetics hold in all nonaccelerating frames of reference (and not just of
motion, as in Galilean relativity). I believe general relativity attempts
to answer the question of what happens if the frames of reference are
accelerating.
Ezlo replies...
Galileo, Einstein, same diff. Where's the beef?
brother asks
Dear Ezlo, I love all the zelda games, but thier story's really confuse me,
because they don't all join together, could you please help me and tell
which stories link with eachother. Oh and one more thing in minish cap
where's the mirror shield to beat the end boss vaati.
Ezlo replies...
Check out TDC's timeline for a great look at a history of Hyrule.
Tetra asks
Dear Ezlo, What should I do if I don't want to be a princess and save the world?
Ezlo replies...
First of all, dye your hair, because that's a big tip-off. Now, just sail far, far away in any direction. It's a big world, people cna get lost.
birdie asks
Dear Ezlo, Why do you hate tingle so much...
Ezlo replies...
Where do I begin?
Me asks
Dear Ezlo, Why are you making spelling mistakes!
Ezlo replies...
Impossible, I don't make spelling mistakes! Rather, the English language keeps changing itself to reflect what I deem to be the correct spelling of words. You see?
Ryan asks
Dear Ezlo, Does Link keep the Four Sword after TMC, because he
cannot get back to the sanctury?
If so what would he do with it?
Ezlo replies...
Well, if you follow the theories laid out in the Compendium, the sword gets lost eventually until it re-emerges in Legend of Zelda as the Magic Sword.
Wisdom asks
Dear Ezlo, I think I know what Ambi's Souldire was alking
about. Voldo is from SCII and a spike clawwed guy who is demented. His
weakness is most likely the great fairy sword.
Ezlo replies...
Ah yes, I looked it up after submitting my answers. That's explains why i don't know the answer, it's not canon!
The Link+samus aramus super fan+master asks
Dear Ezlo, message: Dear Ezlo,I AM A HUGE
FAN!!!!!!!!!!!! I hear rumors
that twilight princess is about link turning into a wolf or something
and then rescuing some kid who rides him. Um... and uh... in OOT What
would you say is the hardest poe? What do minish eat? Why the heck does
tingle think he's an incarnation of a fairy? What made tingle a map
maker? What is you favorite pie? Do you drink? Um, is that headless guy who
buys poes in OOT really not have a head, or is it an illusion? AND, Why
do korkiri never wax old? I want an honest answer for each and ever one
of these questions PLUS I want them to each be different instead of
"All answers are no." or "all answers are yes."
FROM YOUR HUGEST BIGGEST BESTEST FRIENDLIEST KNOWINGEST LOVINGEST FAN,
The Link+samus aramus super fan+master
Ezlo replies...
(Ow, my ears) The answers to your questions are as follows: the ones you have to chase on horseback, mostly crumbs and dewdrops, he's a nut job, it's what he went to college for, blueberry, only while writing replies to letters, it's an illusion created by venus and swampgas, because they're not really people (they're plant-things).
Whocares asks
Dear Ezlo, Hah! Two things. 1: You didn't know that guys name
and age, so you don't know everything! 2: That was Carmen's sister ( I
know because she didn't have pearls around her neck), Carmen is in South
Korea! In your face, Dunce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ezlo replies...
Daphne, send that young fellow a box full of Bombchus please.
Aaron asks
Dear Ezlo, I cant phrase this in a question but a Voldo is a
character from Soul Calibur series.
Ezlo replies...
Ah, that explains it. And sure you could ahve phrased it in the form of a question: "Ezlo is it possible to let you know that a Voldo is a character from Soul Calibur series?"
Lank asks
Dear Ezlo, if Dark Link is locked in the Water Temple (in
OoT), how does he pass the time waiting for Link? What does he eat while
he's in there? Also, was he commissioned by Ganondorf to kill Link, or
does Dark Link just not like the hero of time?
Ezlo replies...
The Dark Link of OoT was actually just a reflection of Link created by the curse put on the room by Ganondorf's evil. It didn't exist before Link entered the room, or after he left.
Nobdy Cares Who I Am asks
Dear Ezlo, did you ever watch an R rated movie behind your
mom's back? If so, what was it?
Ezlo replies...
Only once, "Minish Gone Wild." I was acutally critiquing it for a film class. Terrible production values.
HH asks
Dear Ezlo, If I was walking through Minish Woods, and suddenly
the Minish attack me, what did I do to provoke them, and do I do to get
away?
Ezlo replies...
You probably wore the wrong colors on their turf. For example, if you wear green, you're cool, but if you wear blue, then you look like one of the Lakes, so you're just asking for trouble. The best way to get away from Minish is it to run. As you can tell, we're very small, and so is our stride.
marth amster 999 asks
Dear Ezlo, I have two questions, where did link go after
majoras mask and why does link never talk in any games even after all these
years?
Ezlo replies...
I believe the ending of MM shows Link back in the Lost Woods, if I'm not mistaken. As for the second question, Link doesn't talk because that is a fundamental element
Ezlo replies...
EEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!
� asks
Dear Ezlo, I�m so bored! Tell me a story!
Ezlo replies...
Aha! But I also said here that I was at least 400 years older than that Ask Jeeves guy. Better luck next time! :P
Darker asks
Dear Ezlo, did ya miss me?;P
Ezlo replies...
You were gone?
Ambi's Soldier asks
Dear Ezlo, Tingle has just teamed up with Voldo, and they are
planning to attack Nintendo! We know Tingle's weakness(eggplants,
right?) but we still need to stop Voldo! What is his weakness?!?!?
Ezlo replies...
Who in the name of Abraham J. Lincolnari is Voldo?
Shadow Vaati asks
Dear Ezlo, I want to test your intelligence, and you have to
answer these five yes/no questions to prove if you are the smartest of
all:
1.Are wolfos trainable?
2.Are dodongos edible?
3.Are the minish responcible for missing table scraps?
4.Are chuchus good for sponge bathes?
5.Did you know that Lake minish are really Town minish?
And thats it.now I must return to the front line (answer me or I'll let
in the Eggplant army)
Ezlo replies...
Yes, only the livers, no (that's your dog), no, and that's a lie propagated by the Swamp Minish.
Tetra Nab asks
Dear Ezlo, Do minish celebrate any other holidays? And when's your birthday?
Ezlo replies...
We also celebrate Lincolnari's birthday. And the Sixteenth of July. And Fungus Day.
Leinator asks
Dear Ezlo, If you know everything, explain Einstein's theory
of relativity.
Ezlo replies...
Well, the primary thesis behind the theory is that two different people or things can experience the same event due to the relativity of space time. For example: you're standing on the side of a track line, and a train passes by. In the train, a boy throws a ball in the air, which to him appears to go straight up in the air, and land straight down. However, to the person on the side of the tracks, watching the ball from the window at a side angle, the ball goes up in the air but also moves forward until it reaches the pinnacle of the arc and then moves down and forward (like an arch). That at its most basic, is relativity.
Kathryne Vance asks
Dear Ezlo, do you eat Domino's Pizza? If so, do you think the
pizza has zits?
Ezlo replies...
A-wha?
Shadow Vaati asks
Dear Ezlo, Two questions, is it possible that you can create
monsters (if so, we could beat Tingle)and could you make a bleach to get
the eggplant juice out?
Ezlo replies...
Unfortunately, my expertise is limited to making enchanted clothing items.
Robo asks
Dear Ezlo, what would you have done if Tingle happened to find
you before Link did?
Ezlo replies...
I'd have begged the Octoroks to take me with them.
Animerican asks
Dear Ezlo, How would you feel if Link finally learned how to talk, learning how
to say things other than "GUUUAAAAHHH", "HYYYAAAAA", and "HAAA!" ? And
what could happen in Hyrule as a result?
Ezlo replies...
He'd become the greatest politician Hyrule had ever seen, what with his magnificent charisma, inciting the local student populace to overthrow the monarchy and create the Hyrulian Republic. Let us hope such a day never comes.
PRINESSE ZELDA asks
Dear Ezlo, WILL ME AND LINK GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES?
Ezlo replies...
ZOMGZ, I HOPE SO.
anonymous asks
Dear Ezlo, What if Tingle's balloon suddenly
pop's while he is high in the air?
Ezlo replies...
Go splat I suppose, but we've never been so lucky as to find out empirically.
A Kitten asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you like the Super Smash Bros. games? If so,
who's your favorite character to play as?
Ezlo replies...
I love SSBM. My favorite character is Jigglypuff... Daphne, stop laughing!!
Tetra Nab asks
Dear Ezlo, Can you teach me to speak hyrulian?
btw Your so awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ezlo replies...
I'm sorry, i only speak Minish. And English. And Swedish apparently. And Spanish. And a few other languages I've yet to discover that I can speak fluently yet.
Sweswe asks
Dear Ezlo, which girl do YOU think is the right one for Link?
I love your answers, if I didn't believe you were the smarterst being
in this world I surely believe it now!
�lskar dig Ezlo! Jag �r svensk =) s�g att en landsman (eller kvinna kanske) ocks� skickat en fr�ga)
Ezlo replies...
I suppose I would have to say... Marin. But she's a bird now, so the point is moot. Also: Tacka dig f�r l�s- min ifr�gas�tter! Jag hoppas dem stillar undervisar om min fridsam regeringstid i din skola. Din konung Ezlo f�rsta.
Trevor asks
Dear Ezlo, Merry Christmas in a few days. This Christmas I'm gonna get you the
Tingles head so you can hang it your Christmas tree (or weed because that
you are Minish) as an ornament.
Ezlo replies...
A Merry Christmas indeed!
Whocares asks
Dear Ezlo, Why does Anju take care of Cuccos if she's allergic
to them?
Ezlo replies...
From what I understand, there's good money in the Cucco tending business. Also, her father made her.
MoonSpazz asks
Dear Ezlo, I'm a girl and am very curious as to Zelda's beauty tips... How does
she get her skin so smooth and pale? Also, what kind of shampoo does she
use? I sware, how does she get it so tame-able?!?
With most curiousity,
MoonSpazz
Ezlo replies...
The trick is to have all your toiletries and cosmetics to be made out of ground-up Zora. The ils naturally found in Zora livers does wonders for the pores.
poobah asks
Dear Ezlo, would you like pink teddy bear pajamas for
Christmas?
Ezlo replies...
No.
(Give Daphne your number on the way out).
WHAT!!!! asks
Dear Ezlo, Were you in The Adventure of Link?!
Ezlo replies...
Maybe. I don't know. Perhaps. I'm not allowed to say.
Whocares asks
Dear Ezlo, If sages are supposed to have great knowledge, why
is Ruto a sage?
P.S. Down with Tingle!!!
Ezlo replies...
Oh, Ruto's plenty smart, just she doesn't know how to do anything with that knowledge. And she has terrible common sense.
Pink Link asks
Dear Ezlo, I'm having a hard time defeting Onyx's last form
form OoS. What sould I do?
Ezlo replies...
Consult this walkthrough for an explanation on how to beat him.
Skullkid asks
Dear Ezlo, I saw the pictures of you! You looked so funny
wearing a braw!!!
Ezlo replies...
Oh, those. No, those are the pictures that Jack has, those are the proofs from my brief modeling career.
MONKEY!!! asks
Dear Ezlo, is the minish cap link the same as the wind waker
link?
Ezlo replies...
No. They ahve two different childhoods, one grew up with his sister and grandmother, the other with his grandfather.
edward elric asks
Dear Ezlo, do you like zelda, and if not, why?
Ezlo replies...
She's good peoples. No complaints here.
happy asks
Dear Ezlo, if your smart, what is my name and age?
Ezlo replies...
I'm smart, not psychic.
Whocares asks
Dear Ezlo, in Majora's Mask what can I sell at
the Curiosity Shop?
Ezlo replies...
You can sell the Gold Dust from the Goron Races for 200 Rupees.
Whacky asks
Dear Ezlo, Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Ezlo replies...
Cairo, Egypt.
whoop asks
Dear Ezlo, do you believe that pink is the new man's color?
Ezlo replies...
Only if you're a Kennedy. Or, a Tinglesexual.
Robo asks
Dear Ezlo, what would you do if you got the Triforce?
Ezlo replies...
Have Tingle shrunk to the size of a fly so I could keep him in my ship in a bottle. He could be the captain if he wanted. i mean, i did shrink him after all, the least I could do is let him be captain.
Ryan asks
Dear Ezlo, is it true that Tingle will be in Zelda DS, if so
what should I do?
P.S. What possessed idiot created Tingle anyway?
Ezlo replies...
Actually, supposedly, Tingle's getting his own game for the DS. And I believe it was Ganondorf that created Tingle. Ganondorf.
Blankity asks
Dear Ezlo, What is with the Swedish people on the website
giving you emails?
Ezlo replies...
Ezlo appeals to people of all nations. Also, I was King of Sweden for a brief period in the '70s.
Skullkid asks
Dear Ezlo, If you go to the Pot House in Minish Village
tomorrow, you'll find the spy behind the portrait from several days ago. He'll
give you a note that states all information you need to know about
where your cheated girlfriend is and what she is doing to your socks and
books.
Ezlo replies...
And I thank you.
Howl asks
Dear Ezlo, I've been looking on this site for day(without
sleeping) for ask elzo for someone to answer my wolf poblems. PS: Tingle is
stupid
Ezlo replies...
Have you tried silver implements?
Ann asks
Dear Ezlo, During the holiday season, do you ever use the two
words :"Bah Humbug!"?
Ezlo replies...
Bah Humbug! ... er, sorry, what was your question?
ComplejoEstupendo asks
Dear Ezlo, �existe en los reinos de la posibilidad que hay una
fuerza asumida para causar los acontecimientos que no pueden ser
previstos o controlado eso har� factible para que usted convierta esta manera
de expresar o de describir pensamientos, sensaciones, u opiniones por
la articulaci�n de palabras en el texto llano? Si, como usted da a
conocer tan con frecuencia formalmente, usted contiene verdad lo completo
de la comprensi�n ganado con experiencia o estudio, entonces est�
razonando solamente en un claro y la manera constante que dicta su aquired
habilidad, permitiendo que usted considere f�cilmente con este discurso
intrincado combinado y hacia adelante a la expresi�n genuina de la
investigaci�n que invita o llama para una contestaci�n. La investigaci�n,
como tal, es as�: �Cu�l es la cantidad del fibra secundario de �rboles
y los arbustos, mintiendo debajo de la corteza y consistiendo en gran
parte en la celulosa y la lignina, de las cuales un roedor de madriguera
com�n northen y Am�rica del este propulsar�a a trav�s del aire con un
movimiento de la mano o del brazo, lo ten�an la capacidad de hacer tan?
Aguardo su contestaci�n.
Ezlo replies...
Usted tiene la direcci�n incorrecta. El departamento de �rboles y de la vida mammal asociada est� abajo de las puertas del pasillo tres y a la izquierda.
Sailor N asks
Dear Ezlo, Wich one is more annnoying, Navi or Tingle?
Ezlo replies...
Definitely Tingle. Last I checked, Navi didn't kidnap people and force them to dress like her.
someone asks
Dear Ezlo, I have some fan art that I would like to send in...but when I scanned
it the files were HUGE! How can I transfer them from paper to computer
without them taking up tons of space?
Ezlo replies...
Crop them so you only have the parts you want in the picture, and then save them as a .jpg file.
Dark Kirby asks
Dear Ezlo, Does Santa bring you presents, or some other guy??
Ezlo replies...
Well, we who celebrate Minishmasukah believe that Jolly Fat Man brings ever Minish child a new nice hat and matching feather on Minishmasukah morning.
SomeOne asks
Dear Ezlo, what happened to navi in the OOT at the end did she
go back to the Forest?
Ezlo replies...
She actually ended up getting a job at the local Denny's as a waitress.
Link asks
Dear Ezlo, CAN YOU SPELL ANOYING???
Ezlo replies...
Nice try, moran.
Vinie asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you have kids, a wife, or both? I''ve been going insane over those
questions!!! I wanna know about ur family!!
Ezlo replies...
I have a wife, though we're estranged. Well, she's the strange one *rimshot*, but I digress. I have like twelve kids, but they're all baseball caps, so i think they may not be mine.
But if I asks
Dear Ezlo, please explain the meaning och butter in your shoes
for me. My mom says it�s really important.
Ezlo replies...
NEXT LETTER!
mr. flachenheiner asks
Dear Ezlo, if a typewriter has 51 and5/8 keys and 2+2= 5549 and
1+1=4 and there are exactly 33 goats standing on the tip of mt. everest
on the fourth of july in the year year 1551, devided by
cake(50000000000000) r squared then how long would it take for Ganon to eat a box of
cookies and a big mac, a bowl of popcorn and three skittles?
Ezlo replies...
Twelve days, sixteen hours, four minutes, and fiftyfour seconds. And a partridge in a pear tree.
SenorMexicano asks
Dear Ezlo, is the Link in OoT the same that will appear in TP,
and why would they trust Vaati, I mean, he's a red eyes, pale black
skinned guy with an evil look and a scar and why do you..."1* ouch! hey!
thats my comp...
Dear Ezli this your mommy, I got you your favorite : eggplant pie! I'll
be waiting outside TDC
Ezlo replies...
The Link of TP will be an all new Link. I refuse to acknowledge the second half of your letter. So stick it in your eye, Vaati!
Vaati asks
Dear Ezlo, I am profoundly apologetic for all the pain and suffering I caused you
and your...kin. I pray that you will find it in your large heart to
forgive me.
Love forever,
Vaati
Ezlo replies...
Oh that's sweet... hey, what is this strange white powder in the envelope?
Ba ba ba asks
Dear Ezlo, How do you pronounce Nabooru?
Oh, and also, when is Link's birthday, and what would he like me to
get him?
Ezlo replies...
Nah-BOO-roo. And, last I heard from Link, his birthday was on January 14th, though he may have been lying to get me to buy him presents.
Timestopper asks
Dear Ezlo, hey, I was on another Zelda site, and I saw that
Tingle had his own question section, what are your thoughts on this?
Thanks for your time!
Ezlo replies...
Schtick-stealing little crazy man. Oh, wait till I find him!
Ryan asks
Dear Ezlo, why is Tingle always wearing green and does the
fact that he always wear green freak you and Link out?
Ezlo replies...
Tingle wears green because he thinks that that is the color of fairies. Apparently, he's never seen a fairy. And yes, everything Tingle does freaks us out.
Leinator asks
Dear Ezlo, I know you don't like being asked how old you are,
so......how young are you?
Ezlo replies...
Not as much as I am old.
Me asks
Dear Ezlo, In Wind Waker, how did the King of Hyrule get himself turned into a
boat?
Ezlo replies...
He didn't, the boat is an "avatar", that is, an object that the King uses to represent himself on the surface world while his body is still under the sea in Hyrule.
Yumbhe asks
Dear Ezlo, how old Vaati actually is.
And please, don't mock him so much. He's just misled. Maybe he tried to
kill you because of those missions you gave him.
Ezlo replies...
He was in his early teens in TMC. I'm not entirely sure how old he is now.
Jabu Jabu asks
Dear Ezlo, My fountain Blub got dirty and blub the Zoras are
blub dying! Will you blub help clean up blub the fountain?
P.S. Can you blub a Coca Cola? blub
Ezlo replies...
I get you my pool cleaner's number. Blub.
Oompa Loompa asks
Dear Ezlo, Oompa Loompa loompa di doo. I have a question only for you. Oompa
Loompa loompa da de. Do you that Link will go out with me?
Ezlo replies...
Considering you are a short, fat little man, I'd say no.
Steiner Bucket asks
Dear Ezlo, When Zelda played Link's ocarina at the end of
Ocarina of Time, was there any...spit...left in it for Zelda to...find?
Ezlo replies...
Eww... just, eww.
vaati's girl asks
Dear Ezlo, i still dont see why you could hate vaati...even
if he DID try and kill you...mabye he just dosn't like you ^_^
Ezlo replies...
If everyone who didn't like me tried to kill me, I'd be a very dead man. Hey! Daphne, put down that knife!
kitty asks
Dear Ezlo, whats vaati's last name anyway?
Ezlo replies...
Von Doom. Really, there should have been a sign there.
none asks
Dear Ezlo, Have you ever gotten sick? If so, how did Link
suffer? (ie puked on him)
Ezlo replies...
Well, there was that one time I had explosive diarrhea. That... wasn't pretty. Pity Link.
Zora asks
Dear Ezlo, do you want to be in my story? Because you can I
guess. Just make up a name for yourself. (P.S. Athenia says hi, that
could be because I ordered her to. =D)
Ezlo replies...
How about... "Ezlo". Yeah, it has a good ring to it.
Your Worst Nightmare asks
Dear Ezlo, I know what you did last winter to your geography
teacher. I will find you and get revenge. I WILL FIND YOU!!!!!!!!
Ezlo replies...
My geography teacher? Last winter? I think you have the wrong guy, I haven't been in school in three hundred years.
........ asks
Dear Ezlo, I wrote you a VERY funny letter last time, and you
didn't posted it!!!!!!!!!
I will take my revenge by transfigurating myself into... TINGLE 2!!
Hahahahahahaha!!
Ezlo replies...
Not that! ANYTHING but that!!
dodod asks
Dear Ezlo, Hahahaha!!! If you know it all, then, what do I am
holding in my hand? And no it is not Eggplant!
Ezlo replies...
Simple, skin cells. Another one for Ezlo!
Santa Clause asks
Dear Ezlo, I've been hearing that you've been a bad boy this
year, and that Vaati and his family have been doing good, tell me why
you've been bad, and I'll give you a gift of your choice.
Ezlo replies...
Well, I suppose it stems from my father issues. You know, not that my dad was a bad man, I mean, he wasn't, except for those quadruple homicides. Still he was very distant. Always off at prison, you know? I just never had a steady influence in my life that didn't love murder more than me.
Tingle asks
Dear Ezlo, Where does Link always get bombs. How ae they made. No reason why
Tingle wants to know sir Haha...
Bye!
Ezlo replies...
Who gave you this address?! Daphne, call the realtor, we've moving!
Whocares asks
Dear Ezlo, In OOT, who is Link in love with, Saria, Zelda, or
Malon? I NEED TO KNOW!!!
Ezlo replies...
Actually, I heard he had a little thing for that lady who's dog ran off.
Makar asks
Dear Ezlo, I KILLED TINGLE! YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!
Ezlo replies...
Impossible, he's only gone back to hell to regroup.
Lank asks
Dear Ezlo, Whenever Link had to face some monster or bad guy
during your travels together, were you ever frightened? If so, what was
it you were afraid of?
Ezlo replies...
Sure, but at least I had the satisfaction of knowing everytime I'd pee myself it'd make Link's life that much harder. Bwahahaha.
yo mamma asks
Dear Ezlo, do these shorts make me look fat?
Ezlo replies...
Only your butt.
Sakura asks
Dear Ezlo, Vaati lives with me in a little house somewhere in Hyrule. (Like I'm
telling you where it is. Youll have that brat, Link come after us) We
invite you to spend christmas with you. Vaati said that is the ONLY time
he will ever even consider spending time with you. Please don't bring
fruit cake or I'll hurt you in the worst possible way ever.
Ezlo replies...
How about Eggplant Cake?
"Her" asks
Dear Ezlo, Help! All the Deku in Woodfall have been turned
into pink lemurs! What should we do?!
Ezlo replies...
Get me a grill and some propane. Lemur steaks all around. Huzzah!
lolly asks
Dear Ezlo, do you like me?
Ezlo replies...
Only on Sundays.
Aryll asks
Dear Ezlo, Sorry Ezzy... but Link asked Tetra... or Zelda and
she said yes! Link has a new girlfriend! Sorry Medli.
Ezlo replies...
Ah, young love. How much they'll be hurt.
Maki asks
Dear Ezlo, I have very bad news! Tingle going to take over the
world with fruit cake! Why do we do!!! please help! I already ask Link
and he said what flavor is the cake...
Ezlo replies...
Okay, we'll need twelve cubits of duct tape, the worlds largest sponge, and fourteen ducks. Get me those things and I think we can beat him.
King asks
Dear Ezlo, If I was to go to the store, and buy a hat, what
are the chances of me finding a Minish? What are the chances of me
finding you in there?
btw I like the Futurama referance to the Angry Dome.
Ezlo replies...
Slim to none. Minish tend to work at shoe stores these days. And thanks, I love that show. Curses to Fox for cancelling it.
Lavender asks
Dear Ezlo, Hi Ezlo! Christmas is coming! What should I get you?
Ezlo replies...
I really need a new comb if you don't mind.
Athenia asks
Dear Ezlo, Ever since I made that LoZ movie, SOMEONE WHO I SHALL NOT MENTION has
been snapping in a circular motion and yelling "ATHENIA!!!! Get me a
coke!!!"
It was bad enough playing the abused wife of an evil freak, but now i have to be pubicly reminded every day. *sniff* He's such a bully. What can I do? *blows nose* I can't take it any more! *sobs uncontrolably*
Ezlo replies...
Next time you serve you-know-who a coke, put a laxitive in it. Problem solved.
Puto asks
Dear Ezlo, Please be serious about this answer, please. About how many miles
across is Hyrule Field from the Kokiri Forest to The Market(etc.[Gerudo
Valley to Myrule Maket] if it's okay)?
Ezlo replies...
Well, let's look at this mathematically. That trip usually takes about one day of OoT time to travel, and the average person walks about 3 miles an hour. If the average day is 12 hours (say, 6am to 6pm is the span between sunrise and sunset), we can deduce that the distance is about 36 miles. Wow, that's a lot of walking!
Whocares asks
Dear Ezlo, If this is truly the Desert Colossus, then wouldn't
Gerudo thieves attack us constantly?Also, where is the Spirit Temple,
Fairy Fountain, and Fairy Oasis?
Ezlo replies...
Well, yes, but we constantly keep them at bay by throwing the bodies and wallets from Xbox fans to them.
Timestopper asks
Dear Ezlo, you rock! Hey, Ezzy, it gets on my flippin' nerves
when non-fan people get on the subject of Zelda, and they start
refering to Link as 'the dude with the skirt' or, and check this, some
imbecles call him Zelda! Have you ever noticed that? And if you have, does it
tick you off as much as it does me? [And, yes, I'm a fan-girl!]
Ezlo replies...
Well, in their defense. I still call Link "skirtboy," though for different reasons... Anyways, we were all Zelda n00bs (pardon the vernacular) at one point or another. Just educate them a little and one day they'll be fanboys and fangirls too.
Epona asks
Dear Ezlo, I've heard a rumor that Zelda and Link are related. Is that true? If it
is, do they mind at all?
Ezlo replies...
Well, you can read more about that in the Compendium, specifically here and here. And I would think not. Do you mind that you're related to your grandmother?
Lily asks
Dear Ezlo, do you like Malon's singing or do you find it
annoying?
Ezlo replies...
Let me put it this way, Ingo sings better soprano than Malon sings period.
Skull Kid asks
Dear Ezlo, In the Stonetower Temple, when you turn upside down
the things, you can see Link falling direcly into the sky, but then he
reapeears at the plataform, How is this pssible? And does only the
temple goes bananas, or does entire Termina turns upside down too? Are
minish related to Kokiri?
Ezlo replies...
It's all part of the curse put on it by Majora's tribe many centuries ago. Only the tower flips, although the structure doesn't really flip, but the interior and other affected parts. And no, we are not.
Swamp asks
Dear Ezlo, now I know this is not a question, but an answer.
The Goron shop would not sell the tunic is as young Link you can't ware
it and it costs alot and as Adult Link you get from Link the Goron.
Ezlo replies...
Lies. Supply issues. I've looked into it. Topic closed... I know all! Stop looking at me like that.
Airmaster asks
Dear Ezlo, is the land u minish come from the land of termina?
Ezlo replies...
No. The closest thing we have to Four Giants are those really tall trees by my cousin's house.
Shadow Vaati asks
Dear Ezlo, *jumps from behind type writer* Sir, Tingle and the Eggplant
army have advanced into Minish Town, and flooded everything in eggplant
juice, and someone on our side wanted to know, where do minish babies
come from?
Ezlo replies...
Females. Next question!
Darth Ales asks
Dear Ezlo, Who would win Link or Samus Aran?
Ezlo replies...
Samus, if only because she can blast Link away at a distance of four hundred feet.
Emm asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you celebrate any of the upcoming holidays? If so, then happy, erm,
holiday season! Yay! I'll make sure you get one of my lovely Christmas
cards.
Ezlo replies...
Like all Minish I celebrate the seventeen days and fourteen nights of Minishmasukah.
Incomplete asks
Dear Ezlo, where, might I ask, are your legs?
Ezlo replies...
Under my skirt... ROBE... robe.
blank asks
Dear Ezlo, Is Link really fearless? Is he afraid of anything?
Ezlo replies...
He does have a crazy fear of tin foil, for reasons beyond my comprehension.
Lindsey asks
Dear Ezlo, How do you get the sinking lure when you're fishing
in OoT?
Ezlo replies...
Just step over it and you'll pick it up. Usually you'll find it on the end of that log that sticks out into the water.
chris asks
Dear Ezlo, Is Aghnim a shiekah he has the eye on his robe and
pale skin?
(P.S i am a huge fan)
Ezlo replies...
It's certainly possible. He fits the description, and has a definitive knowledge of the arcane. But, it was also never confirmed as such in the game or otherwise, so I can't say for sure.
blank asks
Dear Ezlo, would you say that Jeeves or yourself knows more
about TLoZ series?
Ezlo replies...
Oh, it's so me. I got like four hundred years on the guy.
Ezlo replies...
I know! Let's scream together for a few hours. Maybe that will make it all better.
Ezlo replies...
Yeah, just let me get my hat...
Ezlo replies...
Irony, she is a cruel mistress.
Ezlo replies...
The answer to each and every one of those is "no".
Jaja, ha det bra Ezlo, �t inte f�r m�nga sm�rbollar!
Ezlo replies...
No you fool, it's a trap the real Tingle is behind y-- oh... I'm too late!
Zeldalover asks
Dear Ezlo, can i have Link's phone number?
Ezlo replies...
Of course you can, it's 1-800-255-3700.
Kaiatos asks
Dear Ezlo, What do you think of The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess?
Ezlo replies...
I can't wait for it!
Ezlo replies...
Wait, what's the question? And why is this letter dripping?
Zeldalover asks
Dear Ezlo, I think you are cute! =}
Ezlo replies...
Good gravy! Those are not a few questions!
Maki asks
Dear Ezlo, can you fly?
Ezlo replies...
Only after a Red Bull, but then again, who can't?
Ezlo replies...
Only when I eat spinach, guk yuk yuk yuk.
stephen asks
Dear Ezlo, my friend is writing a fan fic and you have'nt put it up yet you dope
butt
Makar asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you want me to kill Tingle...please say yes!
chaos-x asks
Dear Ezlo, do you get lice from Link? ps you rock
Ezlo replies...
No, never. Though, my brim did get bleached a lot somehow. Hmmmm.
Ezlo replies...
I mean, he ONLY tried to kill me. You're right, I'm clearly being too rough on him!
Ezlo replies...
Please, what kind of woman could ever love—nay, tame—such a man.
Secretary asks
Dear Ezlo, how many rupees would equal the amount of an American Dollar?
Ezlo replies...
The current exchange rate is at abouts 1.113:3.45.
happy asks
Dear Ezlo, does Link ever eat? Maybe thats why he is so short and dumb.
Ezlo replies...
He does eat, but only when the game's off. Otherwise he's on the clock.
Ezlo replies...
Granted, just watch your aim.
Who asks
Dear Ezlo, So, Ezzy, who was your last date with?
Ezlo replies...
Umm... Bea Arthur when I was at the Emmies. What a woman!
Ezlo replies...
What ever you say...
Person-person asks
Dear Ezlo, ABOUT MY SHEIK QUESTION, HE IS NOT ZELDA CAUSE SOME NERD SAID SO
Ezlo replies...
It's a lie, a terrible, awfully written lie.
Ezlo replies...
Neither. That hot mamasita at the well is definitely up his alley.
Ginyu asks
Dear Ezlo, I want to be part of the Ginyu Force can you help me come up
with a pose?
Aaron asks
Dear Ezlo, Wheres the beef?
Ezlo replies...
Next to whoever squeezed the Charmin.
???? asks
Dear Ezlo, why do you always have an answer for everything?
Ezlo replies...
Because I know everything! See, I did it again!
Link asks
Dear Ezlo, Are you going to be in another Zelda Game?
From you Wearer,
Link Blademoon
Sara asks
Dear Ezlo, Have you ever shaved?
Ezlo replies...
Nah, the old horn dog would probably marry her and make the poor Princess his Queen.
Ezlo replies...
Well, she used to dress me up in a sailor suit as a youngin', so yes.
Ezlo replies...
No, they were out of tunics at the time (?), and Dimitri the Dodongo.
MoonSpazz asks
Dear Ezlo, What is the 72nd number in the long and best random set of numbers pi?
Super asks
Dear Ezlo, Why does Link wear green.
Ezlo replies...
He's officially sponsored by the United States Treasury. It's an advertising thing.
rose asks
Dear Ezlo, what are you going to get for christmas?
Ezlo replies...
I was thinking a new robe and maybe a shiny gold comb. And books, lots of books.
d... asks
Dear Ezlo, You and Tingle are simmular... both of your weakness is eggplant.
"Her" asks
Dear Ezlo, what would happen if Tingle got the Triforce?
Ezlo replies...
Ugh, my tax dollars at weork...
Ezlo replies...
Simple: Epona with a pair of glasses on her butt.
Kilafer asks
Dear Ezlo, Is there any way to reenter Termina?
Ezlo replies...
Yes, but you need a parachute.
Maki asks
Dear Ezlo, if your so smart then how do you cure a cold!
Ezlo replies...
Oregano and sewer scum. Mix liberally with Eye of Newt.
C asks
Dear Ezlo, Вы продаете уран?
Ezlo replies...
Да, но только для тортов выпечки желтого цвета. И не забудьте замораживать.
