CHAPTER 1- THE LITTLE BUNDLE OF JOY

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.  -Chinese Proverb

After cleaning up and hitching a ride in the back end of a Ford Pickup with some midget, three-toed jugglers from Rhode Island, our hero decides to go and fetch some supplies in the Marketplace at Hyrule Town.

The day at the Market was its usual busy self. The locals were busy buying their daily bread and the wee ones were playing near the fountain. Link was busy purchasing a refill of low-carb red potion when he heard it.

"HEY COME BACK WITH MY RUPEES! GUARDS, GUARDS!!" A tall man with straight brown hair and a fetching scarlet red coat pleaded as he struggled to get up from the ground.

Link turned around and saw a masked man running off with a bag of rupees followed by a couple of soldiers. Without hesitation, Link reached for his slingshot in his side pocket and aimed for the thief's knee caps. The masked bandit fell over and Link picked up the bag and handed it to the owner.

The man picked up the heavy purse and placed it in a hidden sleeve under his jacket. "Thank you young lad, say what's your name?" said the grateful man.

"It's Link, sir," he said as he shook hands with him. He smiled as he took a moment to examine the young lad's strange clothing. But he didn't care, he did give back his money after all.

"Please to meet you, I am Lord Merddock. You look a little hungry, how would you like go to my house for dinner? Vera is cooking haggis and candied yams tonight," the Lord asked.

Well, the thought of eating lamb organs in a boiled stomach didn't exactly thrill him, but when it came down to candied yams, he couldn't resist (who couldn't).

They walked down the cobble-stoned path and headed into a modest brick home. Already Link could smell the scent of Peach Potpourri outside the door. The man pulled out a black key and opened the door.

The room was covered with various trinkets like dried flowers; a small dish filled with black jellybeans, and oak furniture.

"We're just in time, lad. Come on, help yourself," he spoke as he guided Link over toward the quaint candle-lit dining table that had various dishes on it. Link walked over to the corner and dumped his heavy equipment to the side. Although he had a fresh breakfast of Deku Apples back in the forest, the appearance of heavenly candied yams made his mouth water and his stomach emptier.

Link enjoyed talking to the Lord. Turned out he was a hunter of rare Pokemon Pelts who enjoyed quiet nights of The Sopranos and Survivor when he's not working.

Then Vera walked into the room with something he never saw before. In Vera's arms was a very small girl. She had some hair on her head but it was very thin. Link slid off his chair and walked towards it

"What's that?" he asked.

"This is my baby, her name is Rose," said Vera.

Link walked up to the baby and touched it. He never felt skin this soft before. It was about eight months old and it was so adorable. Link's eyes widened as he felt a sense of gushing every time it cooed.

"Can I hold it?" he asked.

"Sure, why not, but be careful," said the Lord. Link reached his hands outs as the woman gently placed the baby in his arms. She than took his arms and showed him how to hold it correctly to provide it with as much comfort as possible. Link smiled as it began to giggle and started sticking its fingers in its mouth.

"How much did you pay for it? I want one!"

The couple had a surprised look on their face and started laughing.

"Link, you don't exactly buy a baby when you want to," said Vera.

"Why not?"

"Well because....ummm...well you just can't," answered the Lord.

"Then where did you get it from? Did you have to perform some sort of really hard quest like travel in a cave or..." asked Link.

"Vera, come and get Link some more candied yams will you, honey?" mumbled Merddock as he attempted to hide any proof of giggles in his face.

"Of course," Vera said as she pulled out another plate full.

After dinner Link headed over to the Lord's guestroom to sleep for the night. He was still puzzled at that little baby as he pulled off his boots and started picking the lint in between his toes.

"I wonder why they refuse to tell me how to get a baby?" he asked Navi.

"I don't know, maybe they asked Nayru the goddess of Wisdom for a baby."

"Hmmmmmm" he thought.

That night Link sat down and drew the Triforce symbol on the floor with the red potion. He then shaded the bottom left triangle. He pulled out a couple of leaves that he found by Mido's tree. He rolled them up, lit the tips, and stuck them on various sticks..

"Link, are you sure this will work," asked Navi.

"Patience Navi, I saw Rauru do this when the Princess wanted a good harvest. All I have do is sit here and chant a bunch a crap," he replied sitting indian style, with a bunch of painted markings on his face smiling and talking as if he was one with the Earth.

He looked like a medieval hippie.

After 20 minutes of chanting and burning the sticks.

"This is boring" he said as he grabbed a handkerchief and wiped the paint off. "Navi, maybe this won't work after all. There has to be another way. I'M DETERMINED TO HAVE A BABY!"

"Maybe Malon knows, we can visit her in the morning," she replied.

"You're right! Malon's pretty smart and besides, she's lived in Hyrule longer. Plus she knows how to make miniature animals... why not Hylians?"

"Well it's settled then, its best we go to bed now, hey Link why did you leave the mari-leaves smoking?"

"I have no clue but for some reason it makes me happy and I feel so free," he said smiling.

"Well, maybe you should put out the happy plants before you start a fire."

The following morning Link said his good-byes to the kind Lord, his wife Vera, and their baby Rose.

The lord smiled as he and his family watched the young child walk down the alley. He turned toward the door and sniffed for a moment.

"Mmmm, honey, did you change the potpourri? It smells wonderful!"

CHAPTER 2-THE BIRDS AND THE SNAKES

Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.  -Ovid

Link headed straight for Lon Lon Ranch to talk to Malon. It took around a week to get there after hitch hiking with a narcoleptic milk man with a lazy eye, but he made it. Malon was on her break and was sitting in the middle of the goldenrod pasture while collecting flowers.

She looked up for a moment as Link dropped two blue rupees into the hand of the man. Malon stood up and approached. "Hi Link, what are you doing here?" she asked in her sweet, perky little voice.

"Well I have a question to ask you. Where do babies come from?"

"Oh E-V-E-R-YBODY knows that," she said with a lift of confidence.

"What is it then?"

"They come from a stork."

Link blinked as he scratched his head. "What's a stork?"

"It's a big bird that has white feathers and a BIGLONGBEAK!"

Link was somewhat surprised by this information.

"How can a bird get you a baby?"

"It's easy; my daddy told me all about it. You see, he said that a boy and a girl have to want a baby first. So they get drunk, and they have to be next each other that night. The stork approaches the girl. First it lays an egg. Than it pulls out a snake. The snake attaches itself with the egg and the stork takes it's long beak to and sticks the egg and snake right inside her," she replied while taking her finger and pointed it straight up.

Navi's eyes widened as she looked down and covered her crotch with her hands and knees.

Link took two of his fingers and inserted them in his mouth.

After suffering a slight gag reflex...

"WHOA, wouldn't that hurt?" he mumbled as he coughed a bit.

"Nah, Daddy said it feels pretty good," she said as she twirled her purple skirt for a moment.

"Well, maybe I can have a baby. Maybe two...or even THREE!!" he said smiling.

Malon giggled. "You can't have a baby, silly."

"Whhhhhhy nnnnnnot," he whined.

"Because men hunt the stork, so it only goes near girls because we think they are the most beautiful birds in Hyrule."

"Awwwww, that's not fair." He crossed his arms and slumped down a little bit.

"Its okay Link, HEY I GOT AN IDEA!" commented Malon.

"What is it?"

"We could ask the stork for a baby, and we could share it."

"COOL, what do we do first?" he shouted as he leaped into the air with wide eyes gleaming.

"Well like I said we have to get drunk."

"But where are we going to get that much ale at?"

"Hmmmm, that's a toughy, wait I got it! All we have to do is do what the Greeks do."

"Which is?"

"We get a bathtub and a bunch of grapes and use that as are way of getting drunk."

Fifteen minutes later...

"Link, we have about a quart... do you think..."

Link shook his head in disgust. "That's only like two glasses for each of us..."

One hour passes...

"Link? How about this? It's like two quarts for..."

"No, I don't think so. I've eaten a whole basket full of grapes once and it didn't get me drunk. Let's make more."

Two hours of heavy stomping passed...

"Link, we're up to four gallons... what about now?"

Link folds his arms. "Malon, we have to get drunk on the first try or else we are going to have to make more wine. I'd say another four gallons should do it."

Three hours...

Link scratches his chin. "Hmmm..."

Malon turned towards him. "We better create more just to be on the safe side..."

Four hours later...

"Malon, do you think this is enough grapes?" asked Link as he tipped the bathtub over and dumped another gallon into the bottle.

"Hmmmm, yeah thirteen bottles of wine should be JUST enough to get us drunk, besides my feet are turning purple," she said as they both chugged down their homemade booze.

Twenty Minutes Later...

"Malooooon, whats we were doin earliayar?" Link said as he began to giggle like a school girl.

"I doesn't no but its may bee impertants," she said as she swayed back and fort.

Navi, after gathering magic from the field, finds the drunken hero and the not-so-sober maiden.

"LINK, MALON, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU... and why are your feet purple?" asked Navi.

"Hee Hee Hee, itsa ball ef light hickupies dat a strok?" pointed Link as he struggles to walk on the wobbling ground.

Malon glared at Navi with her neck extended a bit her eyes narrowed. "Hmmmmm, it gots wingz.....anda it fliez,....yep... itsa stork."

"Letsus catch it and getz baby, then uz strok two make FRIED CHICKEN!!!" he said as he brandishes the Kokiri sword and charges like a three legged bull that was hit with a tranquilizer. Soon the intoxicated duo was out chasing the little fairy from fence east to fence west.

"LINK, I'M NO STORK, I'M YOUR PARTNER NAVI, STOP I....huh?"

Navi stopped her statement when she realized Link tripped, fell, and was fast asleep, along with Malon by his side. Ingo almost busted a gut throughout the chase.

"Wah ha ha, I can't believe that those two got drunk over 13 gallons of grape juice," Ingo said to Navi.

"What will happen to Link, will he be like this.....FOREVER?"

"Nah, he'll simple wake up with a bad headache and forget the little chase ever started."

The following morning....

"Owwww, my head," said Malon as she clenched her temples.

"Did the stork come yet?" asked Link as he rubbed his eyes.

"I don't know; I'll check to see if the stork shoved its beak in me." Malon lifted her shirt and exposed her belly button. Link poked it, raised his head and shook it. Malon opened her mouth while Link peaked inside it. Again he shakes his head. Malon then reaches under and pulls off her pink panties. Just before Link was about to check underneath, Malon gave a funny look. "WHAT IS IT? DID YOU FEEL AN EGG BUMP IN SIDE YOU?" asked Link as he was inches from turning this story into a pedophile fantasy.

"I feel something... it feels kind've warm and..." Malon rushes past him and straight into the outhouse. Link runs after her and knocks on the door.

"Anything wrong?"

"I'm fine Link, but I REALLY haf'ta pee. I'll be here for a while, if you are wondering, I don't see any beak marks."

"Darn. Hey Malon, do you want to try again?" asked Link.

"I can't, I have to do my chores today, maybe later on in the week. You can go ahead and leave, I won't mind."

"Yeah.....I gotta go find a stone, hey...hold on a sec, do you think storks live at Lake Hylia?" he asked as he leaned against the door.

"I don't know, why don't you go there and check it out?"

"I'll do that, well bye." Link walked away from the wooden shack as he turned to find his sword planted straight down into the ground. "How did this get here?"

And with that Link and Navi headed out toward the Zora Domain. He knew it would cut months off of the trip there. After two weeks of walking, he reached the Zora River. He approached the waterfall that hid the cave of the Zora race. Link pulled out his Fairy Ocarina and began playing Zelda's lullaby. The rushing waters soon calmed down to a small trickle and he entered without hesitation.

CHAPTER 3- THE MONTHLY CURSE

What PMS stands for:

1. Pass my shotgun
2. Psychotic mood shift
3. Perpetual munching spree
4. Puffy midsection
5. People make me sick
6. Provide me with sweets
7. Pardon my sobbing
8. Pimples may surface
9. Pass my sweatpants
10. Pissy mood syndrome
11. Plainly: men suck
12. Pack my stuff
13. Permanent menstrual syndrome
14. Problems men start
15. Potential murder suspect

-Sarah Brown-Campello

Nothing changed since last time he visited. The Zoras were gathering fish; the King sat upon his throne, the slightly plump Ruto running towards him with open arms...

"Hi Link, did you miss me?" she said as she hugged him while snuggling her cheekbone against his. Link pushed her back. He looked over at her and realized his mistake, now she thinks he is flirting with her.

"Ruto the only reason I'm here is to ask permission to use the passage way to Lake Hylia."

"Okay.....but only if you take me with you!" she said.

"What?!"

Ruto ignores the surprised look as she placed her hands behind her back and knelt forward to his face. "Hmmmmm, okay, I'm sure you REEEALLY want to walk another three months to Lake....."

"Okayfineyoucancomewithme," he said reluctantly.

"I knew you would see it my way, but why do you want to go to Lake Hylia for?"

"I'm going to have a baby with Malon," he said confidently.

Ruto's jaw dropped. "Why would you want to have a baby with that slut?!"

"Ummm she's a good friend, she's nice, she's kinda pretty...." Link replied as he started to blush while digging the top part of his right foot into the ground.

"SO!!! I'm sure there is a better person suited for that task," she said while tilting her head like a supermodel.

"Oh, you mean Zelda?" he asked.

Ruto's face turned from aqua blue to a fiery red in seconds. "NO YOU IDIOT, ME!"

"I dunno Ruto, besides I haven't found the stork yet. Plus, don't the stork eat fish?" he said.

Ruto gave him a funny look. "Link, babies are not made from an outside stork."

Link did a doubled- take." Then where do you get a baby at?"

Ruto giggled. "Its easy, the girl has a miniature stork in her that's sleeping. If a guy does not reach up and wake up the stork, it cannot give the egg to the Mommy and the egg dies. The dead egg breaks inside the Mommy and makes her bleed. The process then starts over again in around 30 sunsets.

"WHOA, that's kind of freaky. Hey wait a minute, how does a guy touch the egg? And why thirty sunsets?"

"Uhhhhh....beats me. Dad always said it was thirty sunsets because that's how often adult Zoras shed their skin. Of course, Daddy also says that's when he's forced to lock every female in prison."

"Hmmm, no wonder I never see any Zora girls here," spoke Navi as she turned all over the place.

"What's wrong with them? Are they susceptible to disease when this happens, Ruto?"

Ruto sat down on the water's edge, dipping her webbed feet into it. "I have no clue, one moment they are like totally nice to me... then they turn into... monsters. It's like there's a curse on them or something. And once I turn fourteen, I too will become a victim of the curse, and there's nothing I can do to stop it," she spoke somberly as a tear fell down her eye while staring above.

Now Link doesn't really like Ruto the way she liked him, but like all heroes, he doesn't like to see a girl cry.

Link walked over to a hidden corner and turned toward Navi. "Navi, we have to see if we can break this curse!" Link sharply hushed.

Navi scratches her head. "I don't know Link, this sounds like something that only the goddesses can prevent."

"But we have to try, come on. Let's head over to the Zora Prisons. I'm sure there's something we can do."

Link rushed down a dark passageway. Navi floated behind unenthusiastically. "Why do I get the feeling that this is going to turn out like the time we tried to beat the Marathon Runner?"

He slides into the shadow like a ninja of the night. His body hugs the wall while a passing Zora guard goes by. As soon as the walking flounder turned the corner he runs toward a single cell. A loud wailing echoed in the hall as Link pulled the handle and cracked open the door. He peaked inside its dark cold walls.

Two sets of glowing red eyes glared wickedly back while a loud hissing followed.

He jumped as he felt a small tapping on the back of his shoulder.

"Link, what are you doing?" asked Ruto with the same guard behind her.

Link shifted his eyes as his grip on the door loosened. "Ummmm... hey wait... how did you know I was here?" he replied in an attempt to dodge the question.

"I saw you, and notified the Princess," spoke the guard as he pointed toward Navi.

Navi grinned. "Oh yeah... I forgot I... glowed..."

Link sighed as relaxed and leaned against the door pane.

"ACK!" he gagged when a large tentacle grabbed him by the neck and plucked him inside. Navi then prompted forward into the room.

Ruto attempted to follow as well but the guard quickly placed his finned arm in front of the princess. His head nodded as if he was unaware by the high pitched screaming of Link's voice.

The violent sounds of loud banging boomed throughout the hallway as if he was being slammed back and forth against the walls before shooting straight out of the room. Eight more enormous tentacles flew out and snagged his foot, dragging him back in.

"NAVI! CAN YOU...!"

"Link... I don't see any weak spots..."

"EEP!"

Voosh! A burst of fire shoots out of the room as the guard pulled Ruto back. A small egg timer goes off behind the two and the guard walks over to the door. He takes the end of his sword and bangs on the bars.

"Okay ladies, one week has passed. You are free to leave now," he spoke as two refined female Zoras walked out.

"Merry Evening, Princess!" spoke one woman as she patted Ruto's head.

Link was slowly escorted out of the room, as his hands jittered violently and his right eye twitched. The guard walked over, placed a blanket around him and sat him over on a bench. Ruto walks over and handed him fresh water.

"Link? Are you going to be okay? You only blinked once since emerging out of that cell," asked Ruto as she rubbed his shoulder.

"I...I'm... so.... c-c-cold..." He shuddered as he took a deep gulp of water. Navi folded her arms and tossed her violet hair.

"It's your own damn fault. If you would've done as I've said, you wouldn't be this shaken up. If I was the Hero and you were Faerie I..."

Ruto pulled out a bottle and caught Navi right inside. The walls of the jar fogged into a cloudy film with Navi's cursing. Ruto hummed to herself as she screwed the lid on tightly.

"Link, while you were heading to the cell, I thought of an idea. I think we should go to Kakoriko Village instead. There is a wise old solder that has seen the world. He should know where babies come from."

Link smiled as he pulled off the blanket. "Okay, ummm, do you want to come?" he asked.

She ran and hopped right into his arms and placing a peck on the cheek.

"Do you have to ask?" she said as Link rolled his eyes and dropped her to the ground.

CHAPTER 4-WAR BETWEEN THE MATES

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around.  -David Lodge

After four days aboard a passing PETA caravan, they finally made it. Kakoriko Village was a relatively small town with hardly anything to do; at least, when you compare it to the Marketplace back at Hyrule Castle.

The quaint town had two distinguishable qualities, a: it was old-fashioned to the point where it had grassy streets instead of being paved and b: it was also unfinished. Several houses had no roof, a few no windows while a couple was so untouched that they had no walls at all.

Time was one thing this town has. In the middle of one unfinished building was a crowd of kids their own age circled around a retired, old solder who was telling them stories about his glory days as one of the elite Royal Hylian Guards. Ruto and Link decided to listen to some to some of the stories. They walked over and sat in the outer-most ring of children.

When he was done, the small group of children went off to play a few innings of stickball. Link and Ruto approached the old man as he pulled out some mari-leaves for his pipe. His face wrinkled he gave a sweet little smile. He turned toward the two children, curious at why they haven't left with the others.

He lean his elbow against his thigh as he brought his head closer to them. "Well, hello young lad, what can I do for you and your pretty little girlfriend?"

Ruto began to smile and blush from the little compliment. "We want to know where babies come from?"

"Oh....well....ummm...say, want to hear a story about the time I captured a Pokemon?" he asked.

"SURE!!!" replied Link as he sat indian style.

"I was walking in the woods hunting quail when I saw this huge yellow mouse- like creature shooting lightning. Oddly enough, this was back before Pika- steaks were the main delicacy. Everyone wanted Squirtle Soup but...."

But before he could finish Ruto rolled her eyes and interrupted him. "Look, I know you are trying to change the subject, so cut the crap and tell us what we want to know."

The man leaned back into his chair as he took another puff of his pipe. Placing a pinky to the right of his lips, he thought of a good way to explain to the two little tots. "Okay, creating a baby is like...umm...give me a moment to think....FIGHTING A WAR!!!

"REALLY, HOW!!!" Link and Ruto said wide-eye and at the same time.

"Yeah, there are millions... no BILLIONS of troops that are deployed out of a transport with one mission, to take the castle. The transport has to enter a deep dark forbidden vestibule filled with bushes... and if you aren't lucky... tektites...

The enemy tries to hold the troops back with clear force fields but once in a while the force field is down and they are free to march onward through the deep secluded swamp that floods every once in a while.

But the battle is not over yet.

They must brave through the acid-like environment, trudge through the tough barricades IN HOPES THAT ONE MAY COME OUT VICTORIOUS AND REACH THE 'PROMISE LAND'!!!!!!" he shouted as he rose out of his rocker.(sniff kinda brings a tear in your eye, doesn't it)

Link had a funny look on him though. "SO WHO WON?"

"Well, the good guys always seem to win," said Ruto.

All of a sudden a little boy wearing a brown shirt and blue pants ran over to Link and Ruto.

"Hey, would you two like to play a game of stickball, we need a third base man and an outfielder?" he asked.

"Why not?" Link replied as he, Ruto, and Navi ran to the open field.

Well, after stickball Link, who sometimes had the memory of a goldfish, totally forgot about trying to find out where babies come from (for now). We all know about Link finding the stones, pulling the Master Sword out and falling into a deep sleep for about seven years and you already know that he had to find and awaken the other Sages so we will skip that part, save the author about twenty pages of writing, and move on to Big Link.