CHAPTER 5-My God, She's HUGE!!!

I realize why women die in childbirth - it's preferable.  -Sherry Glaser

Link entered Lon Lon Ranch. He hasn't been there for years. He looked over and standing there, in a french-tailored suit was....Ingo???

(You know, lets just skip this part that described about how he raced Ingo and won Epona)

All of a sudden a beautiful red-headed woman walked over towards him. Link stared at her and started to breath heavily.

"Ma-Ma-Malon" he tried to say but his voice kind've cracked a bit.

(And now, we would like to switch this story, from comedy, into ridiculously romantic with a hint of lemon)

"Link... is that you?" she questioned, smiling. He shook his head as he pulled off his cap.

"I knew I saw you somewhere, Fairy boy. Thank you SO much for saving the ranch and Epona. I know you will take good care of her," she said in a warm voice. Her long dress flowed with the wind as she walked up to him. Her soft green eyes met his evening blues as she gave him a gentle hug pressing her small, slender body against his firm, lean muscles; the muscles of a well-practiced swordsman.

She slowly kissed him on the cheek. Her soft lips felt wonderful as she unhurriedly pulled from his cheek. He could feel her gentle breath against his ear. It sent a small shiver in his head as the small blow cooled against his sweating temples. He turns his head down a little and sees the opening in her shirt. Revealing how well she developed while he slept. His hands slid from her waist to her back gently rubbing it while they sunk lower and lower. Other thoughts began to race through his head like reaching up and grasping Malon's...

(Ahhh screw it, I'm going back to writing this story as a silly fic)

...but suddenly, for no apparent reason other than to create a plothole, Malon stepped back as if nothing happened and went to do her chores. Link stood there for a moment and looked down.

"Navi?"

"Yes Link?"

"I think I'm allergic to Malon," he said as he looked down and there was a bulge in his tights.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not really, but it feels a little ridged," he answered as he attempted to adjust it to make it a little less noticeable. "Maybe I should put ice on it later?"

"Well, we better go to the Spirit Temple now that we have the Silver Gauntlets. Maybe it will go limp after being away from Malon."

"I hope so," he said as he got on Epona and rode to Gerudo Valley.

It was good to know he made someone out there a little happier. He had just gotten back from a funeral. His friend, Lord Merddock's daughter, Rose had died from the Kakoriko Village fire.

The day was almost over as Link and Epona rode towards Gerudo Valley. However, when Link got there, there was no bridge to cross.

"Sorry girl, looks like you'll have to stay here," he said as he dismounted and fed Epona a carrot. "Navi, anyway of getting across?" asked Link as Navi flew around him.

"There is a wooden sign over there, try using your Longshot."

"Hmmm, I thought I didn't get the Longshot until after the Water Temple," Link said puzzling.

"Shhhh, people don't need to know that."

Link nodded as he pulled it out and pointed the Longshot. With a quick clench of his wrist, the mechanism shot out to the sign and he flew over to the other side. Link walked across the dry landscape.

It was quiet, too quiet and he didn't like it. He drew his Master Sword out. He saw something flash by him and disappear. He looked down and saw a fresh footprint and knew he wasn't alone. He turned the other direction. Then, he felt it.

An arrow soared through the air and nailed him in his bicep. Link quickly pulled it out and sniffed the end."

"Poison.....ugh," he muttered as he fell to the ground. He struggled for a moment, trying desperately to stay awake. A woman walked over slammed her gauntlet against the middle of his back, knocking him unconscious.

His eyes slowly opened. The room was dark. Where was he? He coughed as he dusted the side of his face that was planted on the ground. He looked over to his side and noticed his arm. It swelled to a tender pink with black spots in it.

"Navi.... Navi where are you?"

"I'm right here, Link," she piped as she peaked right from the side of him.

"Can you heal my arm before it gets infected?"

"I'll try," she whispered as she turned a bright pink. She managed to take away the color but it was still swelling badly. "Sorry Link, this type of poison is too strong for me. I managed pull some but not all. I think that if they didn't kill you back outside, then I guess they wanted you to die a slow and painful death down here."

Link laid his head back down as he struggled to think of some sort of solution.

A rope suddenly dropped from above. It was Sheik!

His blonde hair fluttered as the ninja flipped from the top of the entrance down to the prison below. He quickly pulled out a blue petal flower and a bowl. Quickly, he placed the plant inside and began to crush it. He than sprinkled it over the swollen limb. A minute later, it shrunk back down to its normal size.

Link took a moment to flex and stretch it. Link looked over and was about to thank him when he noticed something.

Sheik turned from side to side, wondering what he was staring at.

"You're bleeding!" mumbled Link as he pointed towards his crotch.

His eyes swelled to the size of dinner plates as he fought the urge not to slap Link. After all, he didn't want his identity to be revealed.

All of a sudden Link pulled Sheik to the ground and grabbed a long piece of cloth. Sheik sweated as he began to breathe heavily. "...don't tell him you are a girl... don't tell him you are a girl..." Sheik thought to himself. He gasped as Link brought out a knife.

"Don't worry Sheik... I won't let you die... Navi's out of magic... all I have to do is apply some direct pressure and possibly a tourniquet and it should stop."

"...don't tell him you are a girl... the bleeding will stop and we'll be off on our separate ways..."

Link took his cloth and pressed against it. One of his eyebrows rose as he tapped it a few times. "Why is it so flat... OH GOD DON'T TELL ME IT GOT CUT OFF!"

Sheik rolled his eyes. "Don't tell him you are a girl... don't tell him you are a girl..."

Link brought his head about an inch away. sniff sniff "Hmmm... it smells kind've weird... possibly infected... like dead fish..."

WHACK! as he punched Link straight on. He fell back unconscious as the Sheikah rubbed his fist and proceeded to climb out. "Now to go find a tampon..."

An hour later, Link sat up and rubbed his cheek. The rope was still left hanging for him to exit. Not surprisingly, when he reached the top, Sheik was gone. Link and Navi snuck out of the base and soon they were in the desert.

"Hey Navi, why did Sheik act like that? I mean... normally he's all mysterious... and would just disappear..."

Navi raised her arms and shrugged. "Maybe he wanted to have a little variety. The deku nut was getting a little old..."

On the way Link went over to a local man on a flying carpet to buy some Bombchu. After following a Poe and traveling through a sand storm they made it to the Desert Colossus they heard some moaning and groaning. They headed straight towards it and saw a Gerudo laying down clutching her beach ball stomach.

"What's wrong with her?" asked Navi to Link.

"I don't know. Do you think it's contagious?"

"Help me PLEASE!" she said as she groaned some more. Her black hair was matted against her face while she twisted rolled in agony.

"What do I do?!" Link panicked.

"Get a dish of water uggggghhh, HURRY!" Link ran to a nearby oasis. Using his shield, he lifted some water and carried it to the woman even though he had no clue what was going on.

"Now stand over in front and help me." Link did that but had his eyes closed and his head turned away.

"Why are you doing that?!" said the Gerudo. Link pointed downwards.

"Because you are not wearing anything under that long shirt."

"WELL DUH!" she shouted as her fist smashed a rock into dust.

"And I want to respect your privacy...ma'am..." he replied as he placed his hands over his face.

"I don't care, so you might as well get use to uggghhh and tell me when you see something."

Link slowly turns his head. He leaned over and placed his hand on his chin and watches and watches....still watching.... and basically watches some more.

Three hours and five coffee breaks later....

"LINK LOOK, WHAT'S THAT?!!" shouted Navi as a hand popped out.

"MY GOD ITS A DEMON!!!" he said as he rose up and drew out the Master Sword.

"PUT THAT DOWN YOU IDIOT!! IT IS NOT A DEMON, IT'S A BABY!"

Link was shocked as he leaned in closer. "You mean the stork hatched the egg and the troops are coming out of that little hole?"

The Gerudo gave him a sour look. "What the HELL are you talking about, don't you know where babies come from?!"

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...a tumble weed bounces in the background...

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"Ummmm... not really, I kind've skipped puberty."

The Gerudo smacked her face.

The hand was still in its place, the baby was obviously stuck.

"uggghh Rick or whatever your name is, take your fingers and help me get this baby OUT!!!!" she shrilled as she kicked her legs furiously.

Link took off his gauntlets and tries to pull it out as gently as he could. His fingers felt as if they were covered in liquid meat and slime. Link was about ready to toss his lunch he had earlier but then all of a sudden he heard some crying. And there he was holding the miracle of life. His heart just melted as he smiled at it. Although a bit messier than the first time he held a baby, but the same softness and tender feel was still there. He handed it to the Gerudo who was sweating heavily from the labor.

Something else spilt out a moment later. Link turned down to see a small collapsed sack with a long thing connected to it. He picked it up, examinging carefully to ensure the snake was dead before tossing it aside.

"Awwwww she is just soooo cute," complemented Navi as she held its finger.

"What are you going to name it," asked Link as he gently rubbed the baby's cheeks.

"Katalina," she said as she held the child.

Link stayed there with the Gerudo and her child until morning.

The sun rose as Link woke up.

"Link look!" Pointed Navi. The mysterious Gerudo was gone. However, the baby was left behind with a blanket around it.

A small note written in bad hylian was etched into the sand:
Link, I do not wish to have nor wanted a child around. Please, dispose of it for me.

Link felt cold for a moment. He walked over, picked up Katalina and sat on the ground. He held it gently against his body, imitating the way that woman held it last night. He gently stroked its back and patted it with great care as he struggled with so many questions that fluttered out of his mind.

Why would anyone, go though trouble of making a baby and then asking for it to be thrown away like a piece of garbage? It just doesn't make sense to him. He's always believed that killing was wrong. He was always told that the best way to take care of thieves and murderers was to just capture them yet it was okay to eliminate something that has done nothing wrong.

Adults are strange people.

"She doesn't want the baby..." he mumbled while looking down at its face. "That's all... as long as it's not with her... dispose can mean to discard... discard means to disown... so therefore... as long as its not with her...it doesn't mean I have to kill it..." he spoke, as he attempted to exploit the loophole in the message.

Link rocked it at a slow even pace. He turned down towards it and brushed the thin hair out of its face. It dawned to him, like the burst of a sunrise's light. "...I... I... could take care of it..." He smiles briefly but it slowly fades as his shoulders slumped.

"But... what do I do?" He never had a baby before. How do you feed it? How much time must be committed... "What do I do, when I'm gone? What do I do if I'm REALLY gone?" he murmured as thoughts of being away from home for weeks occurred.

Who will be there for her if he was killed in battle? He was lucky to be here. Otherwise Katalina may have slept here by herself. Death has a habit of showing up at awful times. He needs someone... or someones to be there for her all the time. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head.

The baby clenched his finger tightly and began to bury its head into his chest.

It then turned its head toward him with its mouth wide open. "I guess you're hungry huh?" he whispered as he looked its mouth. "But you don't have any teeth, do you? All I have with me are dried jerky. You'd probably choke on it. Hell, I choke on it plenty of times."

Link stood up and walked over towards a coconut tree near the oasis. Holding Katalina in one hand, he reaches back for his Longshot and aims it at a coconut. The hook slams close to it causing it to fall to the ground. Using one of his small daggers, he jabs a hole into it. He brings the hole close to the baby's mouth but it kept turning its head back and forth.

Link sighed as he attempted to think of a solution to the problem. It felt like he was solving dungeon puzzle. He then took the coconut and poured some in one of his hands, cupping a small amount. He then made a fist, carefully not to spill the contents, but enough to seal it within. He then brought his fist close to its mouth and with subtle movements of the pinky; he drops it into her mouth while the rest of his hand clenched back and forth to squeeze it out. It was a tedious task, that took a while, but Link knew he had to feed her before they left.

Little did he know that four Gerudos have learned of his arrival at the Sand Goddess Shrine. They watched and examined the scene. Most of his weapons were a good distance away. His back was turned. His guard was down. There was never a more perfect time to kill.

But just as one of the Gerudos raised her bow for a good clean headshot with her poison arrow, the leader turned and lowered her weapon.

"Don't... we need more men like that in the world."

They watched as Link pulled off his belt and loosely attached it over his shoulder and crisscrossing his sword strap. He reached back and loosened his sword strap as well. He then picked up the baby girl and slid her right underneath, so that the straps supported her and her blanket cushioned her body.

Link placed the rest of his weapons behind his back and proceeded to walk out of the desert and back to Kakoriko Village.

The trip was long and hard with the child. Until he reached Epona, it was a three day journey that turned into a two week walk. He learned a variety of things along the way. He kept her as clean as he could with what little water was available on the way. He would go and find fruit to smash with his hands and feed her. When the sun was hot he would take far more breaks under the shade than he normally would.

Link barely slept during that time. He was in Gerudo Valley after all. His eyes were red as he constantly was on the look out of harming the child whether human or beast.

By the time he had reached the wooden bridge, his eyes were strained, and he was hungry and weak from the lack of nutrition he received. It all went to her with only the minimal to keep him alive. But Link continued to hold the child close. The sound of its cooing was enough to keep him going. For the first time in his life, he was living for someone other then himself. This was one quest that he can't afford to fail.

He finally reached the Kakoriko Village a day later. Link took a moment to rub its back. It was time to say goodbye. He knocked on a door, placed the baby at the doorstep, ran and hid. A slightly grey haired Lord Merddock and Vera, still in their night clothes, looked down and let out a gasp.

"Honey, it's a baby, oh isn't it just darling!" Vera commented as they read the note Link attached that had its name on it.

Link smiled, he really would like having maybe a son or daughter to teach them all his moves but he knew he can't worry about children now. Besides, there was so much to see and do. He had no time to have a child around him. Precious work must be completed first. Besides, it was too dangerous, even his friends are endangered for knowing him.

Maybe someday, when Hyrule is safe and he decides to settle down.

Although he would have to find someone first, who was willing to tell him how it's done.

The End

Adoption is when a child grew in its mommy's heart instead of her tummy- Anonymous