Greetings, greetings! I am Ezlo, the world renowned Minish Keeper of Lore. I know everything and anything about Hyrule, from the total annual rainfall in the Parapa Desert (zero!) to the average height of the Gerudo Male (6'2"). I have made my vast resevoir of knowledge of the ways and facts of Hyrule available to the readers of the Desert Colossus, and thusly if you have any questions for the Great and Wise Ezlo, then ask away using the form below! You can also email webmaster [at] desertcolossus [dot] com with the subject line "Ask Ezlo Submission."

Tingle is vile asks
Dear Ezlo, In the Swordsman Newsletter #7 in TMC, how do you do the attack they say?

Ezlo replies...
Just roll and stab as you complete the roll, it's very simple. Be sure to practice it a lot to get the timing down.

Jack asks
Dear Ezlo, I descided to let you go free, poor fella. Also, here's 999 rupees...

Psyke Ha-ha

Ezlo replies...
You are a cruel and sexy man, Mr. jack O'Reily.

Drieldwin asks
Dear Ezlo, What is the name of the Sand Goddess? Surely she must have a name. Just being the Sand Goddess would be rather...blunt. That would be like saying Power Goddess, or Courage Goddess instead of Din and Farore. Another thing, wouldn't it be more grammatically correct to say Goddess of Sand than Sand Goddess? Thanks a bunch!

Ezlo replies...
Great question! She is indeed called the Sand Goddess, due to a trick in the Gerudo language where they don't have a genitive case (i.e., they don't the "This of That," they say the That This). Very peculiar, I know. So, it translates directly into Hylian/English in that form. As to the name, it was lost to the ages many, many years ago when the Gerudo were evangelized by the Hylians to the Three Goddesses faith.

Link to the Pants asks
Dear Ezlo, How old is Daphne?
P.S Did you know that TDC has a place that says why Tingle sucks?

Ezlo replies...
You'd think she was a 100 based on how slow she types! But seriously folks, i think she's in her mid-30's. And yes, I did the research for it, i should know.

Sora asks
Dear Ezlo, if you called a girl you liked, and it turns out she's at her friends house, what would you do?

Ezlo replies...
Wait until she's home and call again?

Norn Guy asks
Dear Ezlo, What happens to Navi after Link defeats Ganon in The Ocarina of Time/Master Quest?

Ezlo replies...
Good question! She went somewhere, not the Kokiri Forest. Is suspect back to wherever it is the fairies actually come from.

Spazztic Bunnyhood asks
Dear Ezlo, Dear all knowing Ezlo, if you attack Cuccos, they call others of their kind and attack the attacker. What would Hyrule be like if that happened with cows?

Ezlo replies...
Can cows even move that fast?! Either way, I think the answer is: terrifying.

Michael asks
Dear Ezlo, Does Link in TP like Ilia?

Ezlo replies...
Yes. Which is why i don't understasnd how he doesn't go back to her at the end of the game. Airhead heroes can be so fickle.

Queen Thundra asks
Dear Ezlo, My question is this: Where can I get a Zelda t-shirt besides ebay? I mean like, are there any zelda action figures, mangas ect. in the US?

Ezlo replies...
Behold the wonders of Amazon: Clothing! And... everything is sort of ebay territory, sorry.

garrett asks
Dear Ezlo, when will the tp whole soundtrack come out.

Ezlo replies...
Sooner rather than later I hope. I doubt it will be less than a year.

corey asks
Dear Ezlo, Happy belated Minishmasukah!!!

Ezlo replies...
And to you and yours!!

jdrt asks
Dear Ezlo, your only in one game and do nothing but act annoying so how come you get ask Ezlo while link and zelda get nothing

Ezlo replies...
I'm prettier? More heroic? Smarter? Pick one, and we'll call that it.

??? asks
Dear Ezlo, if there is a peanut tree in the middle of a field and the wind is blowing north south east and west in what direction will the peanuts fall?

Ezlo replies...
Aha! This is clearly a trick question—peanut trees can't grow in the middle of a field!

ShadowWolf asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you and Tetra go to the same hair stylist? Or is there just some sort of Minish/Hylian women-snail-hairstyle fad going on?

Ezlo replies...
You've never heard of the Snail Curl? It's all the rage!

Some Guy asks
Dear Ezlo, WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING MY CALLS!!!

Ezlo replies...
I'M AVOIDING YOU!!

TKN asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you know what that giant moon in MM thinks? He's not very talkative and I can't help but feel sorry for him. (Since he's forced to drop down on the world every three days...

Ezlo replies...
Eh, something tells me he likes it.

Psiwren Hotchikk asks
Dear Ezlo, How would you feel if I created my own Zelda game with no Octorok and broke a 17-year run?

Ezlo replies...
Meh.

Stan asks
Dear Ezlo, Oh my God, They Killed Kenny!

Ezlo replies...
Those... er, line?

Goriondoni asks
Dear Ezlo, I saw online that it said that the people at Nintendo beat Twilight Princess at an average of 70 hours. I want to know how it took them so long! I beat it, and it took me 30 hours. That was also with doing a lot of side quests, opaning all the chests in the Lake Bead Temple, and exploring Hyrule.

Ezlo replies...
Yeah, I don't understand it either. They must have not warped anywhere and done everything.

Dann Wolf asks
Dear Ezlo, In the August&September 2005 Ask Ezlo, you mentioned Daphne can't make a good cup of coffee. Then in the October 2005 you said it would be a shame if her coffee recipe was lost! So if her coffee's so bad, why wouldn miss it?

Ezlo replies...
Sweet Din i hate when people pay attention to my ramblings. Well... let's see... retcon... retcon... um, oh! Her recipe shouldn't be lost, because it's a testament to how awful coffee can truly be. There! Whew.

lord of all dragons asks
Dear Ezlo, Several questions here. Be prepared!
1. What are those weird running things in Hyrule field in TP? All I know about them is that the run really fast and drop exploding berries.
2. Is there such thing as a "Fire Octorok"? Cause in the Goron Mines I saw an Octorok in the lava and it spat fireballs!
3. Where does Link keep all of his heavy items (Like the Iron Boots)?
4. Why does Gor Amoto (the short Goron elder) have smoke coming out of his head and back?

Ezlo replies...
(1) Well, they're called Bomskits. Did you know they drop worms for fishing? (2) That is actually a Toapoli. It's a new enemy to the Zelda series. (3) In his magical sack. Don't ask. (4) Just one of those charming things that some Gorons do. I wish I could explain it physiologically, but I think it has something to do with a hyperactive thyroid.

Link the 14th asks
Dear Ezlo, which zelda game is after twilight princess and wind waker?

Ezlo replies...
Phantom Hourglass.

Maki asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you think Midna cute?

Ezlo replies...
I'd answer this question, but i don't want to ruin the ending for everyone when she turns out to be Ganondorf. Oh crap.

dimitri asks
Dear Ezlo, did bowser throw kamek in a ditch somewhere and replace him with the old hag kammy

Ezlo replies...
What do I look like? Toadsworth?!

The Eggplant farmer asks
Dear Ezlo, would you like some fresh eggplant? It's delicious!

Ezlo replies...
Oofh, excuse me... I just vommitted in my mouth a bit. Oh, there it is again... glagghhh....

Djinni asks
Dear Ezlo, If you had three wishes, what would the third one be?

Ezlo replies...
To fill it with water.

Shelly asks
Dear Ezlo, could you fully describe a Balrog for me, please?

Ezlo replies...
Big and burny, smells of brimstone, mean disposition, terrible breath.

*Galadriel* asks
Dear Ezlo, What are your goals for the new year?
and what did you get for x-mas?
and have you ever played a video game before?

Ezlo replies...
Well, to lose weight. I'm feeling a little chubby and I need to drop a gram or two. Well, for Minishmas I got a new fountain pen, a fedora, and a new bathrobe. Oh, and some slippers. As to your last question—what the hell is a videogame?

Lekrah asks
Dear Ezlo, where is the amulate mentioned in swordsman news 6 located? no jokes or i'll step on you.

Ezlo replies...
Oh, those are the thingies that the Oracles give you. Each kind raises a certain ability. Now, regarding jokes, you ever hear the one about the Princess, the Golfer, and the Sage?

Suizzlebee asks
Dear Ezlo, A while ago you said:
"That like saying Mystique and Nightcrawler are related because they're both blue. Pshaw."

Now my nerd may be showing but Mystique is Nightcrawlers mother, duh.

PSHAW

Ezlo replies...
Really, you don't say? It's almost like I was being sarcastic... I'm not very good at sacrcasm though, so you'll have to forgive my bluntness.

SKLink asks
Dear Ezlo, Didn't I see you in Honey I Shrunk The Kids?

Ezlo replies...
Probably not, i was just a consultant for the producer (you know, telling them what the world is at that level), I didn't have any parts in the movie.

Haro asks
Dear Ezlo, I been looking at screenshots for the new game Twilight Princess and I have seen a really weird/creepy monster in one. It's big, green, seems to float, and has glowing red eyes and and a freakishly large smile. It looks really creepy and I need to know what it is and where it is if you could. Could you, pleeeeeease?

Ezlo replies...
Those are Skullkid's Puppets. I'm not going to say anymore, as it will be venturing into spoiler territory, but suffice it to say, they are found in a forest, of the sacred vareity.

Lily asks
Dear Ezlo, I've observed that the Gerudo's seem to wear make up. (Seriously) What would that be made of? Or do they just steal it. If so, that doesn't seem to make too much sense because they all wear the same make-u,p so it should be all made of the same compounds, right? I'm not a make up girl at all, by the way. I hope you're proud of me.

Ezlo replies...
Great question! Actually the Gerudo make their own make up (I mean, it's a tribe of women, they have to make something eh?) out of various desert flora found in the Haunted Wasteland and in the Valley. They only make one of each kind of make up, so it makes sense they all look the same in that department.

Minish Emergency! asks
Dear Ezlo, I set out some fly paper in my garage to catch some mice, but when I went to check it, I found a minish stuck to it instead! I need your help in divising a way of taking him off without his legs being ripped off in the process. Please help!

P.S. In the meantime, what should I feed him? He doesn't seem to like the rice crispies I've been dropping on his head.

Ezlo replies...
Oh dear, i answered this letter a month too late. That poor fellow has probably perished now. Well, good luck with the Minish Ghost.

Saetch asks
Dear Ezlo, You said Link should thank you for hiding his rat's nest of a hairdo, did he ever? And have you ever eaten an eraser before?

Ezlo replies...
Of course not, the ingrate. And no... are you looking for advice because you have?

MewEevee asks
Dear Ezlo, Do you ever shut up?! ^_^

Ezlo replies...
As if.

Daphne's Brother asks
Dear Ezlo, could you ease up on my sister? She's the poorest members of the Richrich Family, and mother is thinking of suing you if you don't pay her. If you do, we'll pay you, so you can fix up that broke-down room of yours.

Ezlo replies...
Listen pally, it is not my fault that she can't make a decent cup of coffee or send a fax without catching the house on fire!

Sokka asks
Dear Ezlo, HAHA! you can't answer my question! the one thing you on't know is your age! first your ancient then your not that old!

Ezlo replies...
How DARE you! I assure you, good sir (or madam), that I am so old that I fart dust. Do NOT deny my seiority, it will be your downfall.

wonderer asks
Dear Ezlo, Once you said that you liked Tetra over Sheik, but another time you said you liked Sheik over Tetra, I'M CONFUSED!!!!!!!

Ezlo replies...
I'm old and senile, I can barely remember where I live! How am I supposed to remember which annoying blond creature I'm least repulsed by at the moment??

horse lover asks
Dear Ezlo, Why are you and horeses foes?Horeses are loving animals.TELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Ezlo replies...
Horses killed my father, and the goldfish, and ate my hay collection. Thanks for bringing it up!

undie asks
Dear Ezlo, what coloer are your undies? PLEASE TELL ME!

Ezlo replies...
Sweet merciful Nayru, what a horrible question. The sheer terror of tis inquiry has changed my previous answer to yellow. Thank you for letting me share that.

Atashi Daikirai Gufuu asks
Dear Ezlo, Why do so many people like Vaati?! Don't they have any clue that he's an evil, vile, inhuman being?! THIS IS MADNESS, I TELL YOU! SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THIS!!!!!

Ezlo replies...
I think we would be more successful stopping the tides than trying to stop the flood of Vaati fan girls. And nice name.

Nat the Yoshi asks
Dear Ezlo, I am a reprasentative for Yoshis Helping the Homeless Hylans. Yes, I am a Yoshi. No, we are not trying to steal your money so we can get drunk on Lon Lon Milk, submit 200 rupees to the banker man in Majora's Mask, and we are also not stealing your rupees to give them to the Ganondorf Killing inosent people association. We would like it if you gave us 1000 rupees as a donation. There are homeless children running on the streets trying to get food because their parents hate them abandoned them for no good aparent reason. Even the king has given rupees to Ganondorf...I mean the Yoshis helping Homeless Hylans. Please help us. Those Hylans need it.

P.S. They give you homes, ya know.

Ezlo replies...
I'd love to help you, but I jsut hate Yoshis far too much. And my dislike of the homeless and their lazy work ethic nary helps your case.

Yes Daphne, i know I'm a monster!

Name:

Your Question:
Dear Ezlo,